


Clockwork

by thecelery



Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drama, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:32:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 24,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecelery/pseuds/thecelery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kendall and Logan's relationship has gone through several transformations over the years, but there's one transformation that lies just beyond their reach and the two have to make some sacrifices, compromises, and difficult decisions to get there together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Adoration

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter of this fic contains or is inspired by the chapter title as part of an "alphabet" fic. Twenty-six chapters; each one a different word for a different letter. Some art shorter, some are longer.

Whatever it was that first drew Kendall and Logan together seemed to have stuck around years after its initial appearance at the party. It was there the couple of times they bumped into each other afterwards. It was there when Kendall first got word he’d been chosen to audition for the show. And it was there when he learned how Logan had so strongly influenced James, Carlos, and Scott in order for him to land the part. But most of all, whatever it was that drew them to each other remained through the years after their first meeting and well into the present day. No doubt Kendall and Logan were meant to be together in some way, at least according to Kendall. He wasn’t so sure Logan felt the same was true of their relationship which, even after countless near-kisses, still remained nothing more than a friendship. Kendall would often find himself invading Logan’s personal space and he’d usually place a possessive hand over the other one’s shoulder whenever his other two friends would. He wanted them to make sure they knew their place. In reality, James and Carlos knew how things were between Logan and Kendall. They were aware of how it was mostly a Kendall thing, too. True, the two of them were inseparable and their families were so close it was sometimes hard to tell where one ended and one began, but they noticed Logan sometimes wasn’t as affectionate with Kendall as Kendall was with him. They knew they had to watch themselves around Logan. Kendall was the jealous type and he wasn’t one to hide his emotions easily. It wasn’t hard to tell by the look on his face that perhaps the two had been a little too chummy with Logan, and more often than not, the offending party would retreat and bow to the blond’s jealousy.

 

Logan, however, was more reserved, more cautious when it came to public displays of affection between himself and Kendall. After all, he had been made well aware of the “Kogan” thing which spread through the fan base like wildfire from the very first moment the boys were introduced to the Nickelodeon crowd. He’d brushed it off as “ridiculous, but funny”, knowing very well that there was, in fact, a bit of truth to it. He knew of Kendall’s feelings for him and, in a strange way, he reciprocated them. It was just harder for him to come to terms with those feelings. For one of the few, if not the very first, times in his life, he’d been more careful about showing his emotions and jumping into something without any forethought. Logan was always kind of a wild one. He was impulsive and spontaneous, letting the wind carry him wherever it chose to take him and hardly ever putting up a fight against it. But this was different. The band had a wall put up by the network execs to make sure the hordes of girls would remain interested in them, determined and eager to give them their parents’ hard-earned money. So Logan kept it all in as much as he could, but there were times when his resolve, much like bits of the wall of forced heterosexuality, would crumble. Kendall knew the ways to get Logan to respond; brushes of their hands every now and then, a gentle squeeze on both shoulders, even a full-on hug in front of the cameras once. Logan instantly fell prey to Kendall’s affections. After all, he adored him more than he ever thought he possibly could, but no one else outside of the four of them, and maybe their families, had to know.


	2. Bummed

The last few weeks of filming the second season of the show and well into the summer tour, Logan and Carlos seemed to gravitate toward each other more and more, leaving Kendall feeling like he’d done something wrong. Finally, during one of their late summer shows, he pulled Logan aside for a talk. They walked together through the fairgrounds, practically attached at the hip as they tended to do.

“What’s up?” Logan asked, wondering what exactly Kendall was worried about.

“I just…feel like we’re kinda drifting apart,” he replied adding a sigh at the end in order for his friend to get the hint that he was truly sad about what he saw as a rift in their relationship.

“You’re crazy, man,” Logan responded as he took a sip of his bottled water. “How can we be drifting apart when we’re together every single day? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Yeah maybe not to you but it does to me. Whatever happened to splitting up into teams and having you by my side as my  _partner_ , not my opponent? What happened to ‘Logan and Kendall’? When did it suddenly become ‘Logan and Carlos’?”

Logan let out a hard sigh, rolling his eyes behind his dark sunglasses. “Look, I’m allowed to be best friends with James and Carlos, too, y’know? It doesn’t always have to be just you and me. I mean I’m not bothered when you and James hang out a lot.”

“Yeah, well I’d rather be hanging out with you!” Kendall shouted, not minding his words and how harshly he’d phrased his retort. “Ugh, that’s…that’s not what I meant. I mean I love James and Carlos and they’re like brothers to me, but  _we’re_  different.”

“Kendall,” Logan sighed, “we’ve talked about this, haven’t we? You know how it is. I  _love_  you and you know that but I’m just not-it just wouldn’t work out, okay? It’s too complicated and you know it.”

“It’s only complicated because you  _make_  it complicated,” Kendall replied. He turned away from Logan and made his way back to the stage, trying to keep his emotions in check the whole way there and during the show.

Afterwards, Kendall attempted to apologize to Logan, claiming he’d been acting like a jealous childhood best friend. But Logan wouldn’t have it. He apologized to Kendall, saying he’d perhaps been a bit too careless and distant toward him and letting him know that no matter what outward appearances would suggest, he loved Kendall best out of the other two.

“But shhh,” he said with a wink and a finger to his own lips, “I don’t need the other two to get mad at me.”


	3. Clockwork

Not since before Kendall had been cast in the show had the band been without him. And as far as they could remember, they’d never been a three-piece since he was cast. Ever. But this week had been different. Kendall had come down with something terrible, rendering him unable to barely move, let alone dance around on stage. He was ordered by his doctor to take it easy and rest up at home while the other three did their thing halfway across the country. It wasn’t something they thought they could pull off, but when Kendall checked all of the tweets that afternoon, the fans were raving. “You guys killed it!” they’d said, always stopping to add “but we missed you, Kendall” and he couldn’t help but smile. The biggest smile on his face, however, came from Logan’s tweet. He’d taken a picture of himself, Carlos, and James, smiling at the camera on his phone and he’d written about how they missed him. Kendall, though tired and achy, responded to it, saying he’d missed them, too. And he did miss James and Carlos, but in a sense, he felt that the messages were between himself and Logan.

Those two weren’t the only messages between them, of course. Logan sent text messages to Kendall during every break he could find. Before the show, he found himself leaning against the ice machine next to their trailer, smiling each time he’d get a notification that his buddy had replied.

“I miss you!” he’d written, adding his signature smiley face to the end of the message.

“Miss you too,” Logan replied, adding “bro” at the end of it, then deleting it. There was no need to put up appearances between private texts. He missed Kendall dearly and he’d have him know without resorting to tired macho stereotypes between male best buds. He preferred this type of messaging system; no pretending, no hiding, no fronts being put up. Just sincere feelings and greetings and words that he knew he could better say in person, but with Kendall not being around, he was limited to typing them on a phone and having them lose a bit of the impact they might have had if they were face-to-face.

A couple of days later, they were reunited. Logan rushed to embrace Kendall in a tight hug, not caring if he received stares from the people around them. He was just happy to be back with his best friend. Their arms remained wrapped around each other for a few moments more.

“Missed ya,” Logan said, grinning widely after removing his sunglasses so he could make better eye contact with the blond.

Kendall chuckled, then pulled Logan back into the hug, leaning forward and burying his face in the space between his neck and his shoulder. He sighed into it. “Missed you, too. It’s good to be back.”


	4. Dandruff

“We’re out of shampoo!” Kendall yelled from his hotel room in Vancouver.

  
The guys were up there filming their TV movie, and staying in an extended stay hotel proved to be a bit of a challenge as far as convenience was concerned. They each had their own room, but they’d sneak into each other’s almost every day because they missed the closeness and comfort of their tour bus. Sure, it was cramped and smelly but it made them feel closer to each other with each passing day and suddenly they were split up into four big, empty rooms with only their thoughts to keep them company.  
This morning, Logan had gone in to Kendall’s room, though he’d thought about sneaking in the night before and getting in bed with him. He thought better of it, though, because this was an extended stay and he didn’t want it to be awkward. That’s not to say Logan had the intention of sleeping with Kendall, he quite literally just wanted to sleep with him, something they’d done before. Though how they managed to get enough sleep and not jump all over each those few times they never knew.

  
“Here, use mine,” Logan said, stepping into the bathroom and blindly tossing the travel-sized bottle into the shower.

  
“I can’t use this!” Kendall yelled over the running water.

  
“Well, why not?”

  
“It has parabens and sulfates!”

  
Logan chuckled and remembered that Kendall preferred organic, environmentally friendly shampoos. As much as he loved the guy, though, he was not about to make a supermarket run just to get him a bottle of expensive shampoo. “I’ll buy you some later, okay? Just use this in the meantime. Or you can just leave your hair greasy and smelly, it’s not like that’s anything new.”

  
“Mean!” After a few moments of silence, Kendall gave in. “Fine. But you owe me!”

  
“Yeah, yeah,” Logan replied, his voice gradually fading as he made his way out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

  
A few hours later, while shooting a part of their movie in jet black tuxedos, Kendall noticed little white specks on his shoulder. He made a noise of disapproval and went to find Logan to tell him off for making him use cheap, hotel shampoo.

  
“Look, I have flakes!” he exclaimed.

  
“Here,” Logan said as he brushed the dandruff off of Kendall’s shoulders. “Better?”

  
“Nooooo,” Kendall replied, dragging out the word so the brunet would get the hint, “because now I’ve got a dry, itchy scalp and god knows what else on my head. I feel dirty.”

  
Logan sat down on a prop couch and dragged Kendall down with him, making him sit on the ground between his legs. He massaged Kendall’s scalp with his fingertips, and even though he was getting bits of skin stuck between his fingernails he didn’t mind.

  
“Ahhh,” Kendall sighed, “much better. But you still gotta buy me my special shampoo.”


	5. Eternal

It had been a few weeks since the start of filming and there was no end in sight. The guys were run ragged every single day, manhandled by the production staff and bullied into complying with their ridiculous requests. Needless to say, they were not happy, but they went along with it because they had a movie to make and a job to do. They behaved like professionals during filming, but once back at their hotel, they had nothing but spiteful words for the crew. Any horrible word one could think of, it was said and meant. After Carlos, Kendall seemed the most upset. He’d complain constantly, and with his fiery temper and tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve, it was no secret that he had nothing but contempt for those people. Logan did his best to calm him down on several occasions, gently squeezing his shoulders or sitting him down for another scalp massage to help ease the tension that had built up in him. Other times, it would be a pep talk. “Remember why we’re here, Kindle. It’s for the fans. We’re not gonna see these people after our six weeks is up.” It worked for the most part, but when all four of the guys would get worked up it was hard to have someone to turn to.

  
“Man, it feels like forever til we get the fuck outta here,” Kendall would groan as he flopped down onto the bed of his hotel room.

  
“It’s only one more week,” Logan reassured him and possibly himself in the process. “Just one. More. Week.” He flopped himself down onto the bed next to Kendall, who then turned to smile weakly at his friend. He lifted an arm out from under his chest and wrapped it limply around Logan, pulling him in a little bit closer until he could rest his chin on one of his shoulders. They looked at each other for a few moments, their faces close together and showing signs of being sleep deprived and still a bit upset from having to work under such annoying conditions. Logan reached a finger out and flicked Kendall’s nose, making a “boop” noise as he did and sending Kendall into a fit of tired giggles.

  
“If all we had to do here for six weeks was this,” Kendall said, his voice slightly muffled under one of his hands, “I’d probably never wanna go back home.”


	6. Fragrance

Days after shooting had wrapped up on the movie, and they’d accidentally expressed their distate for the production crew on camera, the guys were all back home. They had a few days off before work picked up again, their next task to promote their upcoming second album. The second of November marked Kendall’s twenty-first birthday, and while all the guys were eager to welcome him to the club, he had barely enough energy to sustain any sort of partying for a while.  Aside from that, the band had obligations to fulfill; several album signings and appearances, promotion for their album on various radio and tv stations, and just an overall busy schedule for the next few weeks, leaving Kendall with very little room to celebrate.

Celebration or not, Logan was determined to make it a fun night for Kendall. He’d thought about finally kissing him, but then figured that that would make him seem a bit self-absorbed. This day belonged to Kendall, he decided, and he’d make damn sure that his friend knew that.

In the weeks before arriving back in L.A., Logan had specially ordered a fragrance for Kendall. It was customized to suit his personality and his favorite natural scents and was certified organic. Logan carefully selected the scents on the website; patchouli, sandalwood, lavender, and a hint of lime. It was earthy, yet refreshing and he couldn’t help but spritz the air with it once the package arrived at his place. He took it in, knowing that when Kendall wore it, it’d take on the characteristics of his body’s natural chemistry and become a scent all his own. He couldn’t wait to smell it on his clothes and on his own after a day spent close together.

The brunet carefully returned the bottle to its package, putting it into a bigger gift box along with a blue and white striped t-shirt. It wasn’t anything fancy, but when Logan saw it hanging up in the shop at the mall, he immediately thought of Kendall, so he decided to buy it, too.

He invited Kendall over to his place for the day, promising they’d have fun and he’d give him a surprise at the end of the day. Kendall silently hoped he’d get that kiss Logan had been withholding for so long, but laughed at himself for thinking his friend would even think of such a thing.

Once Kendall arrived, Logan pushed him right back out the door.

“Hey, I just got here!” he complained, but Logan wouldn’t say a word. He took the keys from the hook and shut the door behind them.

Kendall was led by the wrist to Logan’s car, which was parked outside with the top up.

“That’s coming down, right?” Kendall asked.

“Of course!” Logan exclaimed in reply. He knew Kendall loved driving with the top down, the wind whipping his now dandruff-free hair all over his face and head.

The two drove around for a while, not needing to get to their destination just yet. Logan had planned for some extra time to make sure Kendall got to experience the gorgeous weather. They arrived at their destination: lunch at one Kendall’s favorite restaurants which specialized in natural and organic food. Logan didn’t care much for the taste, or lack thereof, of some of the food, but it was Kendall’s day and he treated his friend to whatever he wanted, whether he wanted to or not. He’d planned to get a late-night drive-thru meal earlier in the day to deal with the hunger he’d surely experience later on.

After lunch it was back to Logan’s place, where he presented Kendall with his gift. He removed the lid of the box and curiously picked up the box of fragrance, which had a sticker on the front proclaiming that this was a one-of-a-kind scent, handpicked especially for Kendall by a friend. A gift note was included and he read it silently to himself, smiling.

                 _Dear Kendall,_

_We’re not home yet as I order this, but I wanted you to have something to look forward to once    we got home, besides sleep that is. Anyway, I hope you have a great birthday. No, I’ll make sure you do! Just watch! Happy 21 st!_

_Love you,_

_Logan_

He put the card back in the box and opened up the fragrance, sniffing the bottle before spraying it into the air and taking a big whiff. “Mmmm,” he said with his eyes closed, fully taking in the familiar aromas which he was so fond of. “It smells great, Logan. I love it. Thank you.”

“Ah,” Logan replied shyly, “don’t mention it.” But Logan hoped he’d mention it every chance he got and how his best friend had gotten him the best gift ever. “Do you like the shirt?”

“Oh,” Kendall said, forgetting he had one more gift to attend to. “Yeah, it’s awesome. I’d totally buy this on my own. You know me so well.” He laughed and pulled Logan in for a tight hug before giving him a peck on the cheek. “I love you.”


	7. Gloat

“Hey guys,” Kendall walked into the room in which James and Carlos were sitting, “smell me.”

The two exchanged an amused, if somewhat confounded, look and smiled. Carlos politely decline the invitation, but James accepted.

“Smells like Kendall,” he replied with a smile. “Where’d you get it?”

Kendall seemed to glide along the floor and smiled. “Looooogan bought it for me.”

“Ah, no wonder,” James responded. “He knows the smell so well, I bet.” At this he winked and nudged Carlos dramatically and they both began to shout “ohoho”s suggestively.

Kendall ignored them as best he could, but he blushed a little, knowing that the gift presented to him by Logan proved how close they had become in their years as friends and maybe later, he hoped, perhaps more than just friends. He also sported his new blue and white striped t-shirt, but replaced it with an older shirt as the day went on, afraid of getting it sweaty and dirty right away. He put it back in the gift box carefully, running a hand along the front lovingly and smiling to himself. He knew it was a gift and it was his birthday, so he wasn’t expected to return the favor. The blond picked up the shirt, now saturated with his special fragrance, and put it to his nose, inhaling his new favorite scent and smiling widely. No, he thought, he definitely owed Logan one.


	8. Hunger

The first time Kendall had the house to himself in a long while, he decided he’d invited Logan over for a nice, home-cooked spaghetti dinner.

Months on the road made it hard on his digestive system, which wasn’t used to greasy, cheap carnival food, as tasty as a fried Oreo was. He’d planned on inviting the whole crew over, James, Carlos, and the rest of the band, but at the last moment realized that some time alone with Logan was a better idea.

He called Logan, who’d been at home all day, relaxing. His hands had become wet with perspiration, his fingers shaking as he pressed the green button next to Logan’s picture on his page of contacts. _Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up!_

“Hey,” he heard Logan say on the other end and breathed a sigh of relief, “what’s going on, man?”

“Hey, Logie,” he replied, using a nickname he reserved for times when he wanted to get him to do him a favor.

“Uh oh. What’d you need now?”

“Nothing!” Kendall shouted into the receiving end of the phone. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come over tonight? Everyone’s outta town, so I kinda figured we could just have a nice, quiet dinner. Just the two of us, you know?” He could hear his own voice echoing, a shaky mess.

“You asking me on a date, Schmidt?” Logan replied, laughing a little bit. “Nah, I’m just playing. That sounds good. What time should I be over?”

Kendall pumped his fist and silently shouted a victory cry. “Make it eight. I still have some stuff to pick up. Oh and can you bring some wine? We’re out here and you have good taste in that stuff,” he said, giggling to add a bit of levity to the feeling of dread that started to take over him.

“It’s a date!” Logan said and hung up.

It was a rush then, to get down to the local organic grocer and find the best tomatoes and fresh herbs for his homemade pasta sauce. He had originally planned to buy it ready-made, but this was Logan he was feeding. Once home, he set up to cook his ingredients, skillfully cutting vegetables into even slices. He placed a store-bought tiramisu in the fridge, knowing well that even though he wanted to make everything from scratch, he wouldn’t have had the time. While the sauce was reducing, Kendall would drift off into daydreams, imagining the dinning room, dimly lit save for the candles placed on the table between himself and Logan, filled with an air of romance reserved for cheesy movies. He shook it off, however, when he remembered that most of those romantic comedy scenarios usually ended on the comedic side. He stirred the sauce, tasting it and realizing it needed more pepper, then it was off to dreamland again. This time he pictured himself cleaning up Logan’s plate, only to have the brunet grab him around the wrist, bringing their faces improbably close together. He sighed, eyes closed, as he pictured Logan standing up, stroking his cheek and slowly leaning in to press a kiss to his lips, still heavily tasting of tomato and garlic and fruity wine.

The timer on the pasta beeped and Kendall was snapped out of his bad romantic movie inspired daydream. He checked the time on the stove, 7:45, and rushed to put the finishing touches on his dinner. When he heard the familiar pattern of knocks on the door, he shouted for his visitor to come in. He’d left the door unlocked for him, which in retrospect was maybe not the best idea in such a big and expensive house, but Logan was kind enough to lock it once he’d entered.

“Smells great!” Logan said as he sniffed the air and headed toward the kitchen. He saw Kendall, fully decked out in an apron, hurriedly tossing his pasta in the red sauce and smiled.  _All this trouble just for little old me._

“Hey,” Kendall greeted him, out of breath. Sweat had begun to clump the hair on his forehead together and his face was noticeably red from standing in the kitchen heat all afternoon. “I’m just gonna go get changed up and I’ll be back in a bit, so you can just… I don’t know, watch TV or something.”

Logan nodded agreeably and, when Kendall was out of sight, spooned a bit of pasta into his mouth.

“And no eating the pasta!” he heard him shout from the hallway leading up to his room.


	9. Incite

After dinner, Kendall cleared Logan’s plate without incident. He felt silly, having imagined that Logan would put any sort of move on him tonight, even if he insisted this was about as much of a date as it could possibly get. They let their stomachs rest for a bit before continuing to dessert, sipping their drinks out of fancy glasses and swishing the liquid around as if they were connoisseurs in the art of wine tasting. Neither of them made a remark to the other, both fully aware that they were picking up on gestures often seen in TV and movies. They sat in silence before Kendall asked if his friend was ready for dessert.

“Oh god, yes,” Logan replied. Dessert was always his favorite part of any meal, especially Italian meals.

He licked his lips as Kendall came up to the table, two small plates sporting rather large pieces of the tiramisu he’d picked up at the market. He left briefly to refill their wine glasses and set them down on either side of the table once he returned. They sat at odd angles, Logan at the head of the table and Kendall directly next to him on the left, so that they made an L shaped seating arrangement. Kendall’s family was large and required an equally sized table to accommodate them, so sitting like this was the only way to achieve any sort of intimacy with his Logan, at least at the table.

Logan polished off the piece of dessert in no time, licking his fork clean of any residual cream and gliding his finger over the plate to collect more and lick it off. Kendall watched in both amusement and slight arousal, but he thought perhaps it was the wine taking effect. This time Logan offered to take the dirty dishes away, but Kendall insisted he was the host and, as such, it was his duty to do any cleaning up. He ordered Logan to put the plates down and sit at the couch while he rinsed them off and put them into the dishwasher.

Instead of sitting down, however, Logan followed Kendall into the kitchen, never stepping away from him and at times hovering right over him at every turn. It wasn’t a small kitchen at all, yet he remained almost glued to Kendall’s side the entire time. Kendall attributed his strange behavior to the wine they’ had with dinner, but knowing Logan was no lightweight, and having only had two glasses, he realized something else was up.

“What are you doing?” he asked between giggles. Logan only responded by resting his chin on Kendall’s shoulder, reaching out to wrap his arms around the taller man’s waist. “Okay, really. What are you doing?”

“Thank you,” Logan responded with a whisper. “Dinner was real good.” There wasn’t even a hint of drunkenness in his voice and Kendall realized he was genuinely grateful for the dinner and dessert and perhaps something more. He spun around to face Logan, accidentally bumping his chin with his shoulder in the process. He made an attempt to apologize, but couldn’t get himself to complete a sentence. The two were standing nose to nose, breathing heavily and, as far as Kendall could tell, shivering. He didn’t know if it was the draft coming in from the window or the situation in which they were but he didn’t really care, either. He liked this. This was something that had happened on more than one occasion. Logan would sometimes invade Kendall’s personal space and bring their faces close together, sometimes he’d graze Kendall’s lips with his own, but he’d always stopped short of a full kiss.

Logan reached one hand out from under Kendall’s plaid button down shirt and pulled it up to the back of the blond’s head, pulling his face forward and planting a strong, rough kiss on his lips. Kendall reacted by kissing him back instantly, attempting to gauge Logan’s intentions and thoughts. His intentions were made clear the moment he felt Logan’s tongue trying to part his lips. He gave in and their kisses became deeper, more desperate with every passing brush of their lips and tongues. They tasted of coffee and wine, sweet and bitter all at once. They became more and more engaged in the kisses, reckless even, and made their way clumsily to the living room, somehow lying down together on the couch gracefully, never separating until Logan stopped to lift his shirt over his head.

So followed Kendall, and from then on it was a fit of arms, legs, and feet thrashing about in an attempt to free themselves of the pieces of clothing covering them as quickly as possible. More kisses, hands running through hair, gliding against skin, touching, grabbing. Words became difficult, syllables growing further and further apart under the struggle to breathe normally. Their skin became hot on contact and with friction, yet the slightest touch made them shiver as if a cool winter breeze had unexpectedly passed over their naked bodies. Breaths turned into moans and groans, both of pleasure and pain, and sometimes desperation and apprehension. Names were gasped and swears littered the air as their movements became faster and harsher, less rhythmic, eventually slowing to a stop and accentuated with tired, sloppy kisses and finally snores as they fell asleep together.


	10. Journal

Logan was awoken by the sounds of soft snoring coming from underneath him. He stretched his arms very carefully, remembering that Kendall was pinned under him on the couch and he tried not to accidentally hit him in the face with a stray fist. He placed a soft kiss on Kendall’s lips, but the blond didn’t stir, causing Logan to smile and laugh quietly so as not to disturb him. He tried his best to push himself off of Kendall without waking him but he couldn’t stop it from happening. Kendall immediately missed the pressure and the warmth of Logan’s body on his and he shivered lightly amidst the sudden coolness.

  
“Hey,” he said groggily, “where ya goin’?”

  
Logan stood in front of him, arms crossed and barely wearing only a sock on his left foot. He stepped on it with his right to pull it all the way off. “I’m gonna go shower. Wanna join me?”

  
Kendall smirked and raised an eyebrow, but Logan shook his head knowing what his friend was up to. Frankly, he was tired and wasn’t really in the mood for any more fooling around today, but if Kendall insisted, he wouldn’t say no. He helped the blond raise himself off of the couch and they both stood in the living room, looking at the mess they’d made a few hours earlier. They looked at each other with curious expressions on their faces as if to ask the other whether he remembered being so reckless and agreed they had a lot of cleaning up to do tomorrow.

  
But their focus was on getting clean, though Logan didn’t mind having the smell of Kendall’s specially-made fragrance permeating his skin. Kendall gathered a couple of towels from the linen closet and turned on the faucet, waiting a few moments for the water to warm up. Logan stepped in a few seconds after Kendall and they stood face to face, letting the warm water run over them and rid their skin of the goosebumps that had formed on it. They stood still for a few minutes, savoring the warmth of the water and each other, although Kendall remarked that longer showers were wasteful but since this was a special occasion, he’d allow it. Logan cupped a handful of water and splashed his face in response, causing the blond to return the favor by gathering water in his mouth and squirting it like a fountain at his face. Their laughs echoed against the tall ceiling of the bathroom and soon they soaped up, helping each other reach places they couldn’t reach alone and Kendall being Kendall, getting in an occasional grope or two, which Logan didn’t mind now that he was a bit more alert.

  
“Havin’ fun, Mister Grabby Hands?” Logan said as he felt Kendall’s hands roam a little more than he should have, although he wasn’t really sure what constituted going too far once you’d had sex with one of your friends…or whatever it was they had become now.

  
“Mmhmm,” Kendall replied, working his way back up Logan’s body, finally resting his arms on the brunet’s shoulders and pulling him in close. Logan rested his head on Kendall’s shoulder and they both stood still for a few seconds, enjoying each other’s presence before rinsing off the soap and shampoo, which Logan later agreed made his hair feel much nicer than the hotel shampoo from before. They shut the water off, Kendall stepping out first to offer his friend a fresh towel and a helping hand with a gentlemanly flourish.

  
“Thank you,” Logan responded in his most practiced polite voice.  
Once they dried off and Kendall sprayed himself with his special fragrance, they headed to bed. Neither of them had to ask the other if it was okay to sleep in the same bed, having shared one on numerous occasions in the past.

  
The following morning, Kendall awoke to an empty bed and was prepared to bemoan the loss of his companion and his accompanying warmth until he noticed the air smelled of bacon and eggs. He eagerly untangled himself from the bed sheets and slipped on a t-shirt and pair of pajama pants before gliding into the kitchen quietly and creeping behind Logan.

  
“Ah, I knew I could count on the Breakfast King to make an appearance this morning,” he said suddenly, startling the brunet.

  
Logan elbowed him in the stomach lightly. “Don’t do that!” he shouted, causing Kendall to explode into loud laughter and to give him a quick peck on the cheek. He opened the refrigerator to pull out a carton of orange juice and served himself and Logan a glass.

  
After setting the glasses down, he walked to the front door, opening it to bring in the daily newspaper. Kendall wasn’t a regular reader, getting his news mostly online, but his father liked the old fashioned way and insisted they subscribe to the physical version instead. The blond brought the paper in, unfolded it to a random page and pretended to read it the same way his father would.

  
“Hey, honey,” he said in a deep voice, “did you read about the economy lately? That’s some crazy shit.”

  
Logan laughed as he walked in with two plates, filled to the rim with bacon, eggs, sausage and topped with a slice of French toast. “I don’t think that’s exactly how most parents express themselves at the breakfast table, you know?”

  
“Eh, I’m one of those cool dads, then,” he said.

  
They shared a laugh before digging into their food, Kendall getting up midway through and bringing a bowl of freshly sliced strawberries for their French toast.

  
“We should do this more often,” he said with a mouth half full of bacon.  
Logan looked up from his plate and smiled at him. They spent the rest of the morning washing dishes in comfortable silence, Kendall saying it was better to do a small load manually in order to make up for wasting so much water the night before, then turned to tidy up the living room. As much as Logan didn’t want to leave, he had some important business to attend to. Kendall didn’t ask what constituted business so important that it forced them to separate, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed to be left without him.

  
“I’m gonna miss ya,” he said quietly, scrunching his face in mock anger.

  
Logan chuckled quietly and placed a quick but firm kiss on Kendall’s lips. “Not if I come back later tonight,” he said, causing Kendall to raise both eyebrows.

  
“Please do.”


	11. Karma

Kendall held the phone to his ear after dialing Logan’s number several times that night. He sent him a few text messages to no avail and resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be coming over tonight, despite his pleas for the brunet to do so. He hung up, tucking the phone into his pocket and sitting in front of the couch. He flipped through several channels, not really paying attention to his screen. Instead, his mind was filled with questions. Where was Logan? Why wouldn’t he pick up his phone? And most importantly, what was the status of their relationship after the night before?

He sighed and turned off the TV, realizing that he wasn’t in the mood for it, and lay on the couch for a few minutes before falling asleep. He awoke with a start when the phone in his pocket buzzed against his outer thigh and stumbled to reach inside and answer it.

“Hullo,” he answered groggily.

“Hey, man. What’s up?”

He recognized the voice as Logan’s and groaned, remembering the broken promise he’d made earlier that day.

“You never showed up,” he replied dejectedly.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, dude, I just got really busy.”

“You never even told me what you were so busy with,” Kendall replied, running a hand through his hair to fix the tufts that had been fluffed up by the arm of the couch.

“I was just…you know? Doing stuff around the house. Cleaning, organizing, all that kinda junk.”

“Logan,” he said with a sigh, “you don’t have to lie to me. We’re friends or whatever, so you can tell me anything. Is it embarrassing?”

“No, not embarrassing,” Logan replied, his voice becoming noticeably shaky and unsure. “I just don’t…I don’t think you’d be too thrilled about it, is all.”

Kendall grew quiet and stayed that way for a few seconds before the realization hit him. “You were on a date.”

“Yeah…” Logan answered, feeling the guilt being to creep up on him. “But I had these plans for a while and I didn’t wanna call and cancel at the last minute-“

Kendall scoffed on his end. “Really?”

“Kendall, please don’t do this.”

“Me?” he responded incredulously. “Look, I’m just saying. If you were gonna get all romantic on me and then let me fuck you on my mom’s couch, the least you could have done is let me know you had a date with someone else before I bothered wasting my time!”

He hung up then. Not wanting to hear what Logan had to say in response. No doubt it’d be some tired bullshit about being “friends with benefits”, something about loving but not being in love with him, or another dumb cliché people used when they were too afraid to commit.

Kendall’s phone buzzed and rang all night with Logan trying to tell his side of the story, but the blond was ignoring it all for the time being. He knew he’d have to confront the issue with him sooner or later, but he preferred to do it later. He tossed and turned but finally got to sleep that night.

The next day, Logan took it upon himself to go talk to Kendall face to face, but when he arrived he realized he wasn’t home and his family was still visiting other family out of town. This normally wouldn’t be so bad, but he’d been dropped off by James after they’d had breakfast together and it was pouring rain.

“Out of all the days…” he said to himself.

He sat on the steps in front of Kendall’s house, still trying to text him but getting no response. A sigh escaped him and he ran his fingers through his wet, dark hair. He had a lot of explaining and kissing up to do today, but most of all he had to reason with Kendall and that scared him more than anything.

He looked up when he heard the familiar engine noise of Kendall’s car. The blond emerged with bags full of groceries and was wearing a hoodie to shield his hair from the rain. Once he’d locked the doors and walked toward the house, he realized Logan was there. Their eyes met for a few seconds and he shivered, knowing that he had no choice but to talk it out today.

“How long have you been here?”

“Like half an hour, I guess. I haven’t been timing it. Been too busy thinking about stuff.”

Kendall sighed. “All right, come on,” he said and gestured for Logan to follow him inside. Logan offered to help with the groceries and he shoved a couple of bags into his arms. They put down the bags and Kendall went into the bathroom, emerging with a towel and tossing it in Logan’s direction without looking.

“Thanks,” Logan said and rubbed his hair vigorously with the towel, trying to dry it as much as he could. All that product gone to waste, he thought.

“Why are you here?” Kendall said after stocking his groceries in the kitchen.

“Cause I think we should talk.”

“Save it,” the blond replied, the tone in his voice not showing an distinguishable emotion. “I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna tell me it was a one time thing. You’re gonna tell me you don’t like me that way and that we just got ‘caught up in the moment’. I know you, Henderson.”

“I don’t get it,” Logan replied as he brought himself closer to Kendall. “You could have let me sit out in the rain as you drove by and gave me the finger or something. You could have done the whole dramatic thing and shoved me on the way in and left me here in the rain without a ride, but you let me in. And by the looks of it, you’re not too fond of me right now.”

Kendall stopped and looked at Logan. “I might be upset, Logan, but I’m not an asshole. And no I’m not thrilled with you, not even a little.”

“I know. I get that, but I’m sorry, okay?” Logan said, using his most apologetic voice. “I didn’t really think you liked me that much and you know that I’m not ready to put a label on this or get too comfortable. You know it’s complicated and I know you hate it when I say that but it is. You know that. I know that. James and Carlos sure as hell know that. They’ve had a few close calls themselves.”

Kendall contemplated pouring his heart out at that second. He wanted to tell Logan he’d dreamt of their future together the night before while they slept. He wanted to tell him how being with him was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. He wanted to tell him that at that moment nothing mattered to him except being with him, but he didn’t. He stopped himself before he could. Instead, he stepped toward Logan and wrapped him up in a tight hug, sighing deeply.

“We need to talk more,” he said. “But not right now. I think I’m using our holiday break to just…get away from everything. To think about life, about me, about you, about you and me. And when I get back maybe we’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll grow up a little. Hopefully, you’ll grow up a little and stop being afraid of your feelings.”

“So you’re just leaving for the whole time?” Logan replied, choosing not to acknowledge the part about not being scared of his feelings.

“I have to.”

“I guess, but…I’ll miss you.”

“Don’t. Just do what you gotta do and I’ll do what I gotta do and when we come back maybe we can work things out,” Kendall responded to Logan’s concerns. Then he kissed him, not caring whether he reciprocated or not.

“I’ll see you later,” Logan said walking out the door and closing it behind him. He sighed and picked up his phone, calling for a cab to get himself home.


	12. Loser

A few weeks after the confrontation, Logan and Kendall acted like nothing was wrong when they were around James, Carlos, their friends, and especially the media. In reality, they were both still feeling the effects of that argument. They’d get caught up in the memory sometimes, and though they weren’t okay, they still were as affectionate as ever. Some days Logan would perk up thinking Kendall had gotten over it, but realistically he knew that it was far from over. He knew every look from Kendall had that deep-rooted torture from wanting to throw himself at Logan, to kiss him and forgive him and tell him they’d be okay in the end. This wasn’t the end, though. It was the beginning of a different stage in their relationship. The very moment Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall after dinner, every bit of what was no longer was. It became what would be. And right now, neither of them knew what it would be.

That’s why, like a married couple who wasn’t doing too well, they were taking separate vacations this winter. Kendall wasn’t shy about letting every interviewer know his plans. He was going to Bali with his brother and some friends. All the guys were taking their own vacations, but if they wanted to see each other they very well could hop in their cars and go say hi. Kendall was getting away from it all. Not because he didn’t want to see his friends, but because he wanted a change for a while. Logan’s actions made every single thought in Kendall’s brain turn upside down and he wasn’t sure what was what anymore so he figured the best thing to do what to immerse himself in something completely different. He’d hoped that when he came back things would be different. He’d hoped Logan would be different. That he’d understand that having feelings out of his comfort zone wasn’t a terrible thing, and that even if he was afraid of the consequences, they’d get through them together should there be any. Kendall briefly considered canceling his vacation and just telling Logan all of those things, but he wanted him to figure it out on his own. It would make him stronger, smarter, and more mature despite being older than Kendall.

So here was Logan two weeks later, alone except for the numerous friends he’d made on his way to stardom, and he was grateful for them. He wasn’t sure if he’d survive the time he had to spend apart from his best friends, his brothers, Kendall. But if he had distractions, he’d be okay. He was spending the holidays with his family and that was the best distraction of all, until his sister said she wished Kendall was there with them. So do I, he thought and he spent the rest of Christmas wondering what Kendall was up to, and every day after that. He’d been tempted to text him, but he knew that he’d probably kept his phone turned off, save to tweet the occasional picture of the coastline or whatever activity he was up to. He could tell the trip was doing him well as he gradually stopped tweeting during the course of his vacation. Logan stepped up his tweets in an effort to try and get his attention, but it didn’t work. As far as he knew, Kendall had downloaded some magic app that would erase every trace of him from all over the internet. It was a far fetched idea, he knew, but it was entirely possible. He remembered James had an app that would measure heart rate by using the light passing through a person’s fingertips. If they could do that, Kendall could surely erase him from his life for a while.

Logan begun to feel faced with the issue that he’d possibly have to expect the cold shoulder treatment from Kendall for the rest of their lives, or until their commitment to the band ended and he’d never have to see him again. He shuddered at the thought and clung to the couch cushion he was holding. If he didn’t do something, he’d lose Kendall forever. He just wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do.


	13. Melt

Kendall, meanwhile, was enjoying his time in Bali. He’d spent the time doing nothing but laying in the sun and letting the warmth hit his face. It was a nice substitute for Logan, he’d thought. But still, it was no Logan. He’d found himself thinking of the brunet every day since he’d left home, but he wasn’t going to let that ruin his trip. It was the furthest he’d been from home. He wasn’t sure which home he’d been talking about at this point. Kansas was home, L.A. was home, and Logan was home. Kendall had read the tweets Logan made. He hadn’t completely cut him out of his life and he still wanted to know what his friends were up to, even if the sight of Logan having a seemingly great time back home made him feel a little ill. It didn’t make him feel as ill, however, as the realization that he wanted to feel vindicated in all of this. He scolded himself and was reminded that it wasn’t a contest; it was a break from the roughness of dealing with too many emotions at once. He felt the muscles in his face tensing up and shook his head to push those thoughts into the backburner and relaxed to bask in the sun once more.

A few days after Christmas, Logan was back home, preparing for a last minute impromptu trip to New York to celebrate the new year with his friends. He wasn’t feeling any better, but he liked to pretend he was. He’d wracked his brain trying to come up with possible solutions to the Kendall problem but had come up empty so far. He thought a nice gift would make up for it, then shook his head and laughed at himself for thinking of such a cliché and emotionally void thing to do. He remembered Kendall said something about changing, about not being afraid of love and commitment and consequences. Logan wondered why he’d been so afraid of these things when he’d gone through most of his life with almost no regard for anything he ever did. But this was different; there were too many risks involved with, well, getting involved with Kendall as more than friends, though that line was blurred ever since the incident at dinner. “The incident” had become his personal code name for it. Some nights he’d lie in bed remembering how good it had felt, how right, how utterly perfect. Sure it was sort of painful and awkward at times, but technicalities aside, it just felt wonderful. Of course, thinking about the sex made him feel like the butter he put on Kendall’s French toast the morning after, leaving him wanting to relive it, even If it meant having to do it alone. Other nights he’d wanted to get off to the memory of it again but felt too emotionally tired, so he’d go to bed more depressed (and frustrated) than he’d been during the day. He sometimes contemplated calling one of his older friends and asking for a favor, but lately he’d felt disgusted with himself for thinking such a thing. As much as it pained him to admit it, he just wanted Kendall, he needed Kendall, and if he couldn’t have him there he’d pretend he was there and it felt great. Still, it was no substitute for the real thing and on that New Year’s Eve, he resolved to change, not just for Kendall, but for himself. He was tired of being afraid. Logan Henderson was not afraid and he had no reason to be. After all, with Kendall by his side, why should he be afraid?


	14. Nest

“Stop,” Kendall said with a giggle as he felt Logan’s fingertips brush over his side.

“Make me,” the brunet replied.

Kendall took these words as an invitation, pushing Logan off of him and causing him to almost fall off of the bed. He attempted to scold Kendall, but his protests were cut short by a kiss and the weight of his friend’s body which was now resting on top of his. Logan kissed him back, a smile still lingering on his lips. He raised both arms, letting one rest on Kendall’s shoulder while the other made its way to the top of his head, fingers gently tugging on the brownish blond tufts.

“Ow,” Kendall said with a light chuckle as he felt the small tugs on his hair.

“Oh come on,” Logan replied, placing another kiss to his lips before finishing his sentence, “I’m not pulling  _that_  hard.”

Kendall snickered and Logan removed the hand resting on his shoulder to playfully slap him across the chest. The blond only responded with another kiss, this time longer and more forceful, making both of their hearts race and their breaths become shallower.

The last thing Kendall heard was Logan barely breathing out his name then a loud beep and buzz as his phone alerted him to a text message. He opened his eyes and squinted as the sunlight peeked in through the gaps in the shutters, then groaned loudly in disappointment once he realized he was alone in bed and still thousands of miles way from home.  He reached out blindly and pulled the phone off of the table next to his bed, reading the text message he’d received from his mom.

                 _Hi, honey! What are you guys up to today? :o)_

He chuckled at the message, knowing he’d have to write at least three consecutive messages to get all of the day’s activities in though, in all honesty, he’d rather lie out in the sun all day doing nothing again. He shortened the message, saying they’d go sightseeing then out to lunch and head back so they’d catch the New Year’s Eve festivities in time.

Kendall spent the rest of the day lost in thought and in the memory of the vivid dream he’d had the night before, or was it this morning? He wasn’t sure. He  _was_  sure, however, that it felt incredibly real, every touch and every kiss and every goosebump. Kendall had found himself craving Logan’s warmth since having to spend the vacation with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. They’d brought a family friend along and, handsome as the guy maybe, Kendall had no intention of using him as a substitute Logan. It wasn’t that he just wanted someone to spend the night with, it was something deeper. He missed Logan dearly, something he didn’t want to admit to himself because as far as the brunet knew, Kendall was having a hell of a time in Bali and didn’t need him around. But as the days went on in this seemingly perfect paradise, his emotional state began to take a tumble. He’d found himself wanting to let Logan know every single thing he’d been up to, every step, every turn of the heel. He longed to wrap his arms around him, to tell him everything was okay, to tell him he had no regrets about the night they spent together and to spend another one together, nested between the curves of each other’s bodies. But try as he might, Kendall couldn’t bring himself to. He knew that below the surface this tension and drama had a deeper purpose and he’d hoped that when he came back home Logan would be a different person. Maybe he didn’t have to completely change, but Kendall hoped that he’d learned his lesson: that sometimes it was worth taking a risk on something other than which bar to go to or which last-minute plane ticket to buy. Most of his happiness was resting on this one bit of hope and Kendall wished hard that Logan had figured it out by now.


	15. Order

Logan was awoken early that same morning by a familiar ringtone.

It was the one he usually reserved for Kendall, a series of annoying beeps and buzzes he used to make sure he’d pick up as soon as possible. Unsure whether he was dreaming this or not, he turned around in his hotel bed in New York City and groped around for his phone, picking it up and answering groggily.

“H’llo?”

“Hey!” It was Kendall and he was actually calling him today. Logan was a little worried when he heard loud banging noises behind his friend, but soon recognized the sounds as those made by fireworks. “Happy New Year!”

Logan couldn’t help but smile at the enthusiasm that came through Kendall’s voice. He was obviously giddy to be spending the holiday so far away and to be celebrating earlier than everyone back home.

“Kendall, it’s…” he lifted his head to read the time on the alarm clock beside his bed, “eleven in the morning. I’m still in 2011, dude.”

“Eleven?” Kendall responded in between the sounds of fireworks going off behind him. He’d done the math between LA and Bali and he knew something was off. “Where are  _you_?”

“New York,” Logan said, remembering he hadn’t spoken to Kendall since the night before they’d all packed up and left on their separate vacations.

“You would. Picked up and left at the last minute, I assume?”

“You know it,” Logan replied.  “That’s how we do.”

“Oh my god,” Kendall said with a laugh. “You are so stupid, you know that?”

“Heeey!” Logan knew he sometimes tried too hard to sound cool. He was self-aware in some respects, but other times he would say things like that without really thinking about it.

“But I love ya anyway,” came Kendall’s reply.

Logan stood in silence for a few seconds, unsure of whether he should let Kendall know right now that he’d finally realized that if he didn’t take his chances with him now, he’d just end up getting scared again and backing off like he had done before. He contemplated waiting until Kendall returned home and seeing his reaction right then, standing in front of him, arms open and waiting for Logan to fall into. He sighed, shaking off his overactive imagination.

“Love ya, too.”

They shrugged it off as a friendly thing to say at that moment. Kendall’s call had been a courtesy, Logan assumed, since the blond mentioned that he’d called Carlos prior to dialing Logan’s number. So he decided to wait until the words could leave his lips and be met by Kendall’s in the process.

Kendall’s voice snapped him out of his daydream. “Anyway, just uh, wanted to call and say I’m having a great time and I hope you are, too. I miss you guys and I can’t wait to come home and see you.”

“Same here, man,” he answered. “I’ll see ya when I see ya.”

“Okay,” Kendall said after chuckling in amusement. “Hopefully that’s soon and not…five years from now after you decided to just run away and join the circus. Bye.”

“Bye,” Logan replied as he laughed.  He pressed the red button on his phone’s screen, ending the friendly call from Kendall. He wondered if there was more to the call than to just greet him, but realized that with the way Kendall had left him two weeks ago there probably wasn’t. Still, he couldn’t help but let the excitement of hearing his voice after so long take over and he kicked the bedsheets off of his body like a teenager who’d just been asked to the prom by his long-time crush in one of those cheesy eighties movies.

Kendall pressed the red “end call” icon on his phone and locked it, smiling down at it. He was glad to get the weight off of his chest, even if this wasn’t the particular weight he needed to get rid of. Still, it was better than nothing and hearing Logan’s voice after weeks away from him was the sweetest sound he’d heard in a long time, even sweeter than the waves crashing on the shore or the sound of the birds that chirped near his window at dawn. As cheesy and cliché as most people would find these things, to Kendall it was just the thought that something so simple and natural could make him feel like there wasn’t a thing to worry about, so hearing Logan’s voice in a calm and friendly and most of all familiar manner made him feel like everything would be put back in its place in a matter of time. True, it could have been years from then, but the feeling he got said it would be sooner rather than later.


	16. Peculiar

It wasn’t unlike Logan to throw himself head first into a new venture.

After all, he did thrive on spontaneity and the thrill of an unknown outcome. He just wasn’t sure if he’d be ready to apply that same philosophy to a relationship. His past relationships had left him empty once they were over. He’d attempt to get over them by putting his all into a different project or even a different person. After his most recent break-up, he focused his attention on Kendall. That wasn’t to say that Kendall was at all a rebound, no. To Logan, he was a constant; a rock, someone who’d be there no matter how hard the times got or how broken his heart had become. He knew he could always turn to his best friend and, if it was a thing he actually believed in, his soul mate. The notion of a soul mate was ridiculous to Logan. Yes, he did believe in a higher power and he was religious, but he’d never thought that something out there was planning for them to be together. If he believed in soul mates, Kendall would be his. But he didn’t, not at all.

Kendall wasn’t one to throw caution to the wind yet he wasn’t organized at all, either. He liked to live one day at a time, but he wasn’t reckless the way he thought Logan was. Still, the brunet made him _want_  to be reckless. He wanted to throw away every single doubt he had about love when he was around Logan. In a way, he wanted to  _be_  Logan when it came to their relationship. Kendall wasn’t about caution, he was about passion, and even though he’d been in relationships while he knew Logan, none of them had ever made him feel so irresponsible the way this potential one had. After all, it’s not every day you get a chance to shake up the world of the traditional boyband persona: all mentions of girls replaced by the love for a boy, every “she” replaced by “he”. Kendall wanted to do it, he wanted it badly and that chance was standing directly in front of him now.  But as much as he wanted to take that leap of faith, he knew he couldn’t do it alone. Logan, as far as Kendall was concerned, was his soul mate. And it was a notion that had received a scoff from the brunet any time it was brought up. But to Kendall, they were connected. They were meant to be together. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be a romantic connection, though he hoped it was. Perhaps the purpose of the two finding each other was meant to be a catalyst for their careers to take off, for their names to be etched in the history books of pop stardom. Kendall didn’t mind, so long as Logan was there by his side for all of it.

Now the two stood in front of each other after weeks apart, a phone call being their sole communication for the entire break. They studied each other’s features, taking in every twitch of the nose, every quiver of the lip, gauging each other’s possible reactions for a hint of what to do and what to say. In the end, no words were exchanged. Nothing needed to be said because they’d read each other’s expressions and, seemingly, their thoughts. They pulled each other into a tight hug, taking in each other’s scents. Logan smelled of leather and aftershave; Kendall, that familiar earthy smell that Logan had given to him two months ago.  They pulled apart, scanning the other’s face again for the aftermath of the hug and nothing had changed. They were still hopeless, still unsure, still anxious to take a step forward. But neither of them made a move. Instead, they looked down at the ground, Logan biting his lip to stifle a wide, toothy grin, and Kendall letting his smile shine through the pavement of the airport pick up curb. They threw their arms around each other and savored the familiarity for one final moment; from then on, no word, action, or thought of theirs would ever be the same.


	17. Quarrel

The days passed by and friendships returned to normal.

Kendall and Logan hadn’t spoken about their relationship yet amidst their busy schedule. Photo shoots, recording sessions, radio appearances, and tour rehearsals had taken over most of their days, and as much as they wanted to have a discussion, each night would find them heading straight home and collapsing onto their beds, a worn-out shell of the person they’d awoken as earlier in the day.

On this particular January afternoon, however, they’d finally gotten some time for themselves during rehearsals, and Kendall took it upon himself to initiate the conversation with Logan. He pulled him aside from the rehearsal space, away from prying ears and eyes.

“So we should um…let’s talk, yeah?”

Logan sighed, knowing that the moment he’d been dreading all month long was finally here. He’d known for a while that he wanted to move forward, but the longer he thought about it, the more pronounced and severe the repercussions appeared to be. He wasn’t ready to deal with the potential downfall of his career, not to mention his friends’.  “Okay,” he said quietly.

“First of all, let me apologize for being so hard on you,” Kendall said nervously.

“No, don’t,” Logan responded. “Trust me, it did me a lot of good.”

“Yeah?” Kendall suddenly straightened up, a surge of hope going through him.

Logan sighed again. He had to explain to Kendall that while he wasn’t afraid of potentially being in a relationship with him, he wasn’t sure if now was a good time to go ahead with it. The truth was he still felt like he was too young to be in a steady relationship, regardless of the amount of love and adoration he had for Kendall and that they had for each other.  

“It’s-I…love you. A lot. And I know you love me back and God, I would love nothing more than to settle down with you and build a home and adopt a bunch of animals and maybe kids.”

“But?” Kendall asked, knowing he wasn’t going to win this round so easily.

“But, I just…I don’t know,” Logan responded. “I wanna travel the world and see things and meet people and just be young. I don’t think I’m ready to be tied down y-“

“Tied down?! Is that what it’s like for you to be with me? You feel like I’m some anchor weighing you down while you’re trying to sail away?”

Logan realized that perhaps his choice of words hadn’t been the best. Kendall reacted the way he thought he would. The boy had a lot of passion and a temper to match, so maybe comparing him to an anchor wasn’t the best of his ideas.

“No. No, no, no, no,” he said apologetically. “That’s not what I meant I just…”

He noticed the red in Kendall’s face begin to subside and he took it as an invitation to move closer. He placed a hand along the blond’s cheek and stroked it with his thumb, trying to get him to calm down and see his side of the argument.

Kendall turned away from Logan, but didn’t flinch at the touch. He sighed dramatically and turned back to meet his gaze.

“I just wish this wouldn’t be so hard, Logan.”

Logan sighed in agreement. “I know. I  _know_. Maybe right now’s not a good time. Maybe in the future we could pick up where we are now, but with the tour and the show and so much publicity and all of that stuff, it’s just…not the right time now.”

“But what if this goes away?” Kendall replied, the red flushing back into his face. “What if you stop loving me? What if  _I_  stop loving _you_?”

“Well then it won’t matter, will it?” Logan said with a chuckle. Sometimes Kendall spoke without thinking things through. “If we stop loving each other we won’t look back and regret not jumping into a relationship right away. Maybe it’ll be a good thing. Maybe we’re not meant to be together and this is…whoever’s way of letting us know that.”

Kendall pinched the bridge of his nose and wondered if the pursuit was worth all of this pain he was putting himself through. He thought Logan might have been right; that it wasn’t destiny. He started to have doubts about being so persistent with him. Kendall was a believer in the spiritual; he wore a red string around his wrist to symbolize the unbreakable ties he had with his friends, especially Logan, but these days he had the urge to never wear it again. His faith in fate was fading. Still, he couldn’t imagine anything he wanted more than to spend years of his life, possibly even the rest of it, at Logan’s side, regardless of the nature of their relationship. If it meant being friends instead of lovers, buddies instead of boyfriends, he wasn’t too concerned about it, at least not at this time in his life. He agreed with Logan; they were still young and had lots to see and lots of people to meet.

“I’ll give it a rest, then,” he told Logan after a few moments of examining the red wrapped around his wrist. “But I’m not giving up on you, Henderson. I love the fuck out of you.”

Logan’s lips formed into his signature sideways smirk and he pulled Kendall into a tight hug. “I love the fuck out of you, too.” They both laughed, then sighed, knowing well that this discussion wasn’t over just yet. Kendall would have to work harder to get Logan to see his way, and Logan would make sure that Kendall knew what he was doing before going forward in their relationship.


	18. Rink

“I can _not_  believe I agreed to this,” Kendall said as he walked with Logan to their seats.

The two had been seeing other people for the past month, and as nice as it had been to pursue someone was genuinely interested in him, Kendall wasn’t very thrilled about going on a double date with Logan. They’d chosen a hockey game to go to this week. Both of their dates were girls who they’d met through friends and they were lovely, Kendall and Logan agreed on that, but they still had eyes for one another.

Once they arrived at their seats, Logan let his date go first. She slid into her seat at the end of the row and Logan waited for her to sit down before he did. Kendall’s date was lagging behind him and, although he was usually a gentleman, he let himself go first, situating himself next to Logan before his date could find her way in.

“Hey, thanks for waiting!” she said sarcastically, but with a light tone to her voice.

“Oh, god,” Kendall apologized, “I’m so sorry! I was too busy watching the stuff on the screens up there.” He pointed at the screen above the center of the rink. He thought himself lucky when he noticed it was displaying a “find the ball under the cup” game and sighed quietly in relief.

She smiled at him and patted his arm, letting him know it wasn’t a big deal. The four of them settled into their seats and ate from two bags of popcorn Logan had purchased for them to share. Once the game had started, Kendall stretched out his right arm, putting it over the back of Logan’s seat. Logan turned to him and gave him a look as if to ask what he was doing and he winked back. They might have been there with dates, but the two of them knew where they stood. The truth was they still had feelings for one another and date or no date, it was hard for them to keep them hidden. Kendall felt a bit guilty that he wasn’t paying a lot of attention to the girl sitting next to him, but she seemed entertained enough by the game to not be too bothered by his un-gentleman-like behavior.

Logan, meanwhile, was being fully attentive with his date. Kendall wasn’t amused by the obvious flirtation going on in front of him and he wondered yet again why he had agreed to a double date. Logan had claimed it was a good idea in order for them to get accustomed to seeing each other with people other than themselves, but Kendall knew the feeling all too well. He figured it was because Logan had asked, and seeing as such opportunities were few and far between, he jumped at the chance to do him a favor. Kendall was getting desperate to show Logan he’d do anything for him, and this was a small but significant gesture.

Every now and then, Kendall would gently glide his hand along Logan’s leg, causing the brunet to shift uncomfortably and shoot him a look that could kill. Kendall silently laughed it off and continued his flirtatious ways, resting his head on Logan’s shoulder at times, or at other times stroking his cheek with the back of his hand when Logan’s date wasn’t looking.

“Would you stop it?” Logan whispered after the third “accidental” graze.

“I’m just trying to have some fun, Logie,” Kendall said, using the nickname that usually got him out of trouble. “Besides, it’s not like  _my_  date’s paying attention.” He gestured toward the girl; she was sitting at the edge of her seat, fully attentive to the game playing out in front of her and cheering or jeering, as the situation would call for.

“Maybe, but mine is,” Logan replied and tilted his head slightly in his date’s direction. Kendall noticed she was giving him a confused look, so he waved at her and gave her a quiet “hi”. She waved back and replied, somewhat oblivious to the situation. Kendall wondered if she had suspected anything or if she just thought this kind of behavior between the two of them was an everyday thing.

At the first intermission, their dates decided to have a chat and walked to the bathroom together, leaving Kendall and Logan alone, finally, as far Kendall was concerned.

“Well, now we have some time alone, eh, Logie?” he said, wrapping his arm around Logan and pulling him close.

“They won’t be long,” Logan replied and Kendall gave him a look.

“That’s a good one. Have you seen the lines up there?”

Logan mouth a silent “shit” and resigned himself to being alone with Kendall.

“Anyway, why are you acting like it’s a death sentence being alone with me, huh? I thought you looooved me,” Kendall said, batting his eyelashes and grinning.

“It is when you’re acting like such a douchebag,” Logan replied.

Kendall gasped dramatically and placed a hand over his chest. “How dare you?” he said, then laughed loudly, tilting his head back in a fit of giggles.

Logan couldn’t help but laugh along with him. He always fell victim to the blond’s boisterous laugh; it was contagious and he found it oddly adorable.

A sudden chorus of cheers erupted all around them, and they felt a couple of hands pushing them closer together. Kendall wondered what was going and then he saw what the commotion was all about. The kiss cam had landed on himself and Logan. He froze, mortified, then felt someone tugging on the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but suddenly Logan was kissing him in front of tens of thousands of sports fans, who were now laughing and whooping excitedly at the scene playing out before them. After a few seconds, Logan let go and smiled widely at Kendall, who was still in a state of shock from what had just happened.

After the commotion had subsided, Logan froze in his seat and turned to Kendall. He was sitting still, staring off into space.

“Hey,” Logan said, placing a hand gently on his arm, but still managing to startle the blond.

“Gah!” Kendall exclaimed. “Oh, god you scared me.”

“Sorry.”

“What’d you do that for, you dumbass?!” Kendall yelled loudly, eliciting a chorus of “ooh”s from the crowd behind him. He turned to them and glared, then grabbed Logan by the elbow and led him away to the concourse, away from the spectators and busybodies.

“I wasn’t thinking,” Logan explained, “I just got so caught up in all the craziness and the kiss cam was there and you were there and, well…”

“See, this is why we don’t work out,” Kendall said, adding an air of drama to the situation. “You’re sending me all of these mixed signals and I don’t know what you want anymore and I’m tired of it Logan! Have you even had a second thought about us recently? Have you even-“

He was cut off by Logan who had grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and pulled him in for a forceful kiss in the middle of the concourse, once again in public and for everyone to see. He was sure he heard the familiar shutter sound of a few camera phones going off around them, but paid no attention and relaxed into the kiss which was now lengthened and felt slower and more passionate.

Once they’d parted, Logan looked up at Kendall and the two stood in silence for a few seconds before Logan spoke out.

“I don’t care who knows it anymore, Kendall. It’s too damn late to care anymore.”

Kendall couldn’t find the words to say at that moment. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no sound came out so he gave up. Instead, he sighed deeply and smiled down at Logan, laughing and shaking in both excitement and terror at what this public display of affection meant for them in the coming days.

“Oh shit!” Logan suddenly exclaimed and he led Kendall by the hand back down to their seats where their dates were waiting.

“Hi,” Kendall said with a nervous smile. “You didn’t happen to see any of that did you?”

The two girls turned to each other then at their respective dates. “I think  _everybody_  saw that.”


	19. Storm

Kendall and Logan bid their dates goodnight. 

The girls said it would be okay for them to be left alone, as Kendall’s refused to leave the game early. They’d become friends during intermission and they told the guys they’d split a cab and to not worry about them. Besides, it wasn’t like they were interested in dating them when they clearly had feelings for each other, they’d said. After saying their goodbyes, Kendall and Logan ran toward Logan’s car, which was parked in the lot across the street.

“Ah man, it’s raining!” Kendall exclaimed as his shoes hit the wet pavement with a splash, soaking the hem of his pants on contact.

Still on a rush of adrenaline from earlier, Logan stood in place, watching Kendall’s hair absorb the drops of water that fell from the clouds. He’d never been happier than he was at this moment; all of his inhibitions, doubts, and worries were gone, if only temporarily. He wasn’t at all concerned with all of the things that had held him back from showing Kendall how much he truly loved him. He laughed at Kendall as the blond started jumping in the newly formed puddles on the sidewalk and joined him for a couple of hops himself. Once they got their moment of childlike behavior in, they wrapped their arms around each other, unafraid for those few minutes when the sidewalk outside was quiet and empty of hockey fans and ticket scalpers. In the distance, they made out the faint neon yellow glow of the parking lot attendant’s vests, but figured they were far away enough not to notice their public displays of affection.

“Kissing in the rain is so cliché,” Logan said, “but it feels nice, anyway.”

Kendall pulled him in close and kissed him gently, feeling the drops fall between the spaces their lips made as they moved together. He knew Logan was right about the whole cliché thing but damn if there wasn’t something so appealing about feeling the rain slip onto his tongue between kisses.

A loud clap of thunder sounded above their heads causing Logan to back away from the kiss and grab Kendall around the wrist, guiding him across the street to the parking lot. The attendant on duty gave them a good-natured ribbing about being on the big screen during their kiss but smiled at them as they got in Logan’s car, waving goodbye as they drove away.

Kendall stared silently out the window and watched the drops fall onto it, catching a glimpse of the lighting which was reflected in the wet spheres. Logan didn’t concern himself with making small talk right now. He knew that this was one of Kendall’s habits. The blond liked to push his seat back and stare out the window during long car or bus rides and daydream. Logan was never quite sure what the other was thinking about, but he’d hoped it was him sometimes. Whatever it was, he knew that it was wishful thinking. Kendall was a big dreamer, though sometimes he was good at keeping his feet on the ground.

As if knowing Logan was wondering, Kendall turned toward him, smiling and lifting an arm to lazily play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He moved up and twisted the short spikes at the top, grimacing when he felt the thick build-up of product that Logan was so insistent on using. Of course, Kendall liked Logan any way he was, but sometimes he longed for the product-free, wild-haired Logan of way back when. He chuckled quietly and kept running his fingers through Logan’s hair, eliciting a soft moan from the brunet.

“Like that?” he asked and watched as Logan raised both eyebrows in approval. He pulled his hand away and wiped it on his jacket, trying to get the sticky feel of gel off of his fingers.

“Aww,” Logan exclaimed when he noticed Kendall had stopped.

“Sorry,” Kendall replied. “My arm was gettin’ tired.”

“And from the looks of it, so are you.”

“Yeah. A little.”

“Let’s get you home, then,” Logan said, hitting the accelerator a little harder.

“Actually,” Kendall said as he perked up and sat a little bit straighter in his seat, “I was kinda wondering if I could stay with you tonight.”

Logan tapped the brakes lightly trying to compose himself. The last time they’d been together alone was the night of the “incident” and he wasn’t sure they’d be able to get away with it again, not with Logan living with his parents this time.

“I don’t know, Kendall. I don’t really have a lot of privacy right now and-“

“We could go somewhere else?” Kendall suggested, surprised at his own brashness.

Logan swallowed hard and tried to find somewhere where they could park and take care of the issue at hand, ultimately deciding on a wooded area a little bit off the road near his house. He wasn’t sure if there’d be any people around, especially because it wasn’t very late at night, but he figured that if they were quiet and quick, no one would notice and interrupt them. They parked in an area that was darker, with no lights overhead to reflect off of the windows and draw attention to them.

“But we have to hurry because-it’s not that late-and there are peop-“ Logan tried to explain between kisses, but Kendall was already practically on top of him in the driver’s seat.

“Shut up,” he whispered and shifted his weight so the steering wheel wouldn’t press into his back. Logan made the space more comfortable by reaching under the seat and pushing the lever, making more room for Kendall to move around should he choose to. “We don’t have to…you know, if you don’t want to. We can just…you know.”

“I know,” Logan sighed as Kendall continued running his hands through his hair the way he had been earlier. Eventually, he moved on to pressing kisses along Logan’s neck, moving slowly and deliberately and taking in the sounds coming from the brunet’s open lips. Kendall chuckled at the reactions he got from Logan and Logan noticed.

Kendall focused his attention back on Logan’s lips as he felt his hands move down to his hips, pressing him down just a little to help create more friction between them. Kendall took it as an invitation to start moving in Logan’s lap and start undoing buttons and zippers.

“Logan…” Kendall whispered between moans, both his own and the brunet’s who was mostly quiet except for an occasional huff or two. This was different than the first time at Kendall’s place. There was less room and more of a sense of urgency to get the hell out of there before they could get caught, making their movements hurried and all the more intense. After a few minutes, it was over and they stayed in place afterwards, taking in each other’s breathing and the smell of their sweat mixing together.

“Ugh,” Logan said as he took out a tissue from the glove compartment, “looks like I’m doing some detailing tomorrow.”


	20. Thaw

It was still raining when Kendall and Logan drove away from the small wooded area, but Logan didn’t go home like he’d originally planned. Instead, he asked Kendall if he wanted to drive around some more. He didn’t know what it was about driving at night that made him feel more relaxed, but he liked it. Some nights he’d go driving to clear his head, other nights he’d do it just to enjoy the feeling. He wasn’t used to bringing people along on his night drives, but Kendall was different. Kendall was always different.

“Hey,” Kendall said suddenly, breaking out of his raindrop induced trance, “let’s go get some ice cream!”

“Ice cream, Kendall?” Logan replied.

“Why not?”

Logan chuckled quietly. If someone had told him he’d start the night by kissing his best friend in front of thousands of people, then play in puddles, then have sex in his car all in the same night, he wouldn’t have believed them. He figured if he could do all of that in one day, ice cream on a rainy and cold night wasn’t such an out there idea.

“Yeah, why not?” he responded, nodding. He was glad he’d returned to his usual, carefree self and he vowed to stay that way, if only for the night. There were thoughts in the back of his head; “what ifs” and “hows” dancing around, but tonight was all about him and Kendall and if there were any repercussions from his own actions, he’d deal with them later.

Kendall ordered two soft serve cones; vanilla for him and chocolate for Logan. They sat at the picnic tables beside the booth, which was empty of any customers despite the somewhat early hour of the night. Kendall was usually very health-conscious and wasn’t big on fake ice cream, but it was a special occasion as far as he was concerned, and vanilla soft serve  _was_  pretty damn delicious.

“So,” Logan asked between licks, “what made you decide on ice cream of all things?”

“I don’t know,” Kendall replied. He really didn’t know why he asked Logan to go on an ice cream run, but later he decided it was a sort of victory celebration, the way his parents used to take him out after getting particularly good grades on his report card. He guessed his celebration was somewhat for selfish reasons; Logan had finally come around to see his view and his way and had returned to his normal self and as for himself, he’d gained a boyfriend in the process. Well, that’s what he  _thought,_ anyway. There wasn’t a formal title placed on their relationship just yet.

“Well, who needs to know?” Logan said, winking and taking a few more licks off of his ice cream, shaping the once spiraled peak into a shiny, round dome. “I’ve got ice cream. You’ve got ice cream. We’ve got each other.”

Kendall smiled widely at the last comment. Hearing Logan finally admit that they were more than just best friends made his heart soar and his face visibly light up. He got up from his side of the picnic table and stood over Logan, leaning over him and placing a sweet kiss on his lips, mixing the taste of chocolate and vanilla. Logan kept his eyes closed even after Kendall had detached himself, savoring the taste and the feeling, then sighed.

“It’s just so good to let go,” he said. “To not have to worry about what my mind says, to not give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I’ve done some crazy things on a whim before, Kendall, but this? This is better than any damn bungee jump or skydive.”

“Wow, that’s deep,” Kendall said mockingly, laughing loudly as Logan jokingly glared at him.

“I mean it,” he said after taking another lick of his ice cream. “I love this. I love  _you_!”

“Save it for the talk shows, Tom Cruise.”

“Well, I can’t go on Oprah now that her show’s over, so who’s couch am I gonna jump on?”

They both sat in silence for a few seconds, stroking their chins like two intellectuals having a deep discussion before shouting out simultaneously.

“Ellen!”


	21. Ugly

After finishing their ice cream, they returned to Logan’s car.

They didn’t drive off right away, instead opting to put the top down and watch as the drizzle stopped and the clouds drifted away, leaving a trail of very dim but still visible stars.

“Not a great part of town for stargazing, Kendall,” Logan said after a few minutes. “Back in Texas, I had the best view of the night sky. It was pretty cool.”

“Like that one song about how the stars are big and bright or whatever?” Kendall replied.

“Yes,” Logan said with an exasperated tone, “just like the song.” He’d heard that joke one too many times since moving to Los Angeles whenever he’d comment on the lack of visibility in the sky.

“I’m kidding,” Kendall said as he lifted himself on his elbow and kissed him. His hands started to roam and Logan didn’t protest, choosing to smile into the kiss instead. “Wait.”

“What?” Logan groaned.

“Did we ever turn our phones back on?”

Logan groaned again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. He noticed the screen was dark. “Nope.”

Kendall ran a hand through his hair nervously. “Ah, man. I’m scared.”

Logan dropped his phone in his lap and used his free hand to grasp Kendall’s. “Don’t be,” he said, placing a kiss on the blond’s cheek in an attempt to calm him down. He noticed Kendall’s breathing had quickened and his thick, dark eyebrows had tilted downward and rubbed soothing circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. “Whatever bad stuff comes from this, I’m taking responsibility for it. I mean, it _is_  my fault that I outed us.”

Kendall still wore a worried look, but turned to face Logan and shook his head. “No. We’re in it together. This isn’t about one or the other. It’s about  _us_. Me and you, together. Like a couple. We… _are_  a couple, right?”

“A couple of idiots, maybe…”

“Logan.”

“No, you’re right. You’re right. We’re…boyfriends now so…we’re gonna face the world together. We’re boyfriends, right?”

Kendall’s face changed drastically at Logan’s question and he smiled brightly. “You know it,” he said with a wink.

“Okay,” Logan said, exhaling slowly. “On the count of three, we turn our phones back on. Ready? 1…2…3!”

They pressed the power buttons on their phones and waited as the screens lit up. One by one, each text message came in, piling up for several seconds before stopping at last. Their apprehension was shor-lived as they read each text message from their friends. “Congrats!” and “Finally”s seemed to be the consensus from their friends and families. They began to laugh and smile at each other as they went through each message and saw the positivity pouring out. Kendall suddenly stopped and read one, gulping when he was done and sitting in silence for a few seconds.

“What?” Logan asked when he noticed his boyfriend had been silent for a while. Kendall tilted his phone in his direction and he read the text on the screen. It was from Carlos and simply read “network wants to see u tomorrow”.

“Oh my god,” Logan exclaimed, and suddenly all the nervousness from earlier was pushed to the front.

“We…are in deep shit, my friend.”

The next day, they waited nervously for the network executives to have their meeting with them. Kendall called Logan first thing in the morning, reminding him to wear something nice and look presentable so that they’d take them seriously. Logan wanted to hold Kendall’s hand, but he knew better of it. Granted, he was sure the majority of the people working there already knew about their on-screen kiss, as did everyone in the world judging by the “KOGAN IS REAL” trending topic they’d made possible. Kendall suggested they stay away from the internet for a while until the commotion died down a little, but at the rate things were going, it’d be a while before they could get back on. Logan agreed this was a good idea, but said they’d have to come clean eventually and let their fans know just what was going…if they survived the meeting, that is.

“Guys,” a voice came from the doorway and they both directed their gazes at the man standing in it.

Everyone sat in silence as Kendall and Logan took their seats next to each other, eyes averting everyone in the room. They noticed James and Carlos were there, too and realized that everyone in that room had been talking about them before they walked in, making things all the more terrifying.  James and Carlos smiled at their friends, genuinely, not fake or forced like the majority of the people sitting around them seemed to be doing at the moment.

“Okay, so,” one of the executives finally spoke up, “you guys are gonna fix this, right?”

“Fix what?” Logan asked.

“This whole thing with your little kiss joke. You’re gonna tell everyone you were kidding, right? Because we cannot afford to lose a huge chunk of the fan base. Absolutely not.”

“We weren’t joking about anything,” Kendall responded, already clearly agitated by the comments being thrown at him. “Logan and I are together. We’re a thing. We’re boyfriends. And if people can’t respect that, then I don’t want them listening to our music or watching our show or buying our crap.”

“Kendall, listen,” the executive said in a condescending tone, “if you could somehow pay for all of this and make it work without fear of losing a lot of your fans, then I would have no problem with your little relationship thing going on. But as it is, a lot of people aren’t exactly happy about what you did.”

“But a lot of them are,” Carlos spoke up. “I mean if you look at Twitter, almost everyone has something nice and supportive to say. ‘We love Kendall and Logan’ has been trending for like…a whole day! That’s gotta count for something, right?”

“Guys, we have a very specific target audience. We want those young girls to think they have a chance with you, to think you’re the dreamiest and attainable guys out there. What happens when they find out that, thanks to Carlos’ little charade earlier this month, only one of them is? They lose interest, they stop caring, they move on to other boys and you guys are left behind in the dust. We don’t want that to happen, and I’m pretty sure  _you_  don’t want that to happen. So, fix this. It’s not a question anymore. It’s not an option. Fix it or else-“

“Or else what?” Kendall interjected, a habit and a temper he still hadn’t learned to control.

“Or else any failure or loss falls on the both of you. We’ve invested way too much money in this project to disband you or cancel your tour or your show. But by all means, if you want to continue being boyfriends, go ahead. Just don’t say we were right if something goes wrong.”

“I think we’re gonna be fine, actually,” Kendall responded, “with or without your help.”

“Fine. Do what you have to do, we’ll work on some damage control but do  _not_  tell the world you’re dating.”

“What?” Logan said. “How can we not. People are gonna ask us about it and what are we supposed to do? Lie?”

“Yes,” the executive responded. “Now you’re getting the hang of it. Don’t say anything. Not for a while. We need you guys to succeed. For your sake, for my sake, for  _everyone_  at the network’s sake, just keep it quiet. Nobody has to know and you can continue doing what you do  _in private_.” He took on a more understanding tone at seeing the looks on their faces which had become visibly upset and hurt.

“I guess we can keep it a secret for a while,” Logan said dejectedly and the four of the meeting was adjourned.

On the way out, James and Carlos hugged their friends, offering words of encouragement and support.

“We’re gonna fight these guys, okay?” James said.

“Yeah,” Carlos added, “they didn’t stop me and they’re not gonna stop you. We love you guys and we’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, guys,” Logan said and Kendall nodded in agreement. They said their goodbyes and walked toward the exit. Just before reaching the doors, Kendall turned to Logan and wrapped his arms around him. Logan hugged him back, rubbing small circles on his back and placing a soft kiss on his forehead to ease the tension that had built up over the course of the brief but intense meeting. “I’m sorry we have to do this, but you know I love you, right? Maybe we’re not allowed to say “yes”, but that doesn’t mean we have to deny it, either. Let people think what they want. They’re right after all.”

Kendall looked up and smiled at Logan, kissing him quickly and returning his head to the brunet’s shoulder. “I love you.”


	22. Vocation

The weeks after the meeting were a whirlwind for Kendall and Logan, every question as to whether they were together was dodged, the subject changed to focus on their upcoming tour or press for the movie. 

The silence and secrecy sometimes took its toll on them, they’d argue about one thing or another but they never let it get to them and they’d make up almost immediately. The fact was they had a lot to go through and a lot to do before they could announce to the world that they were an item. As upset as they were at the network for making them keep quiet, they figured it was a blessing in disguise. The truth was that neither of them was quite ready for the barrage of questions, criticisms, and even praise they’d get if they came out publicly and taking it slow would ensure that their relationship would grow stronger instead of collapsing under the pressure of the public eye.

For the time being, they focused on tour rehearsals, with a trip to Europe scheduled right before the start of their tour. As much as they dreaded the jet lag, they were glad to get away from the public eye in the United States for a while, even if they were known all around the world. There was something refreshing about escaping for a bit. They were nowhere near the people who dragged them down the most. Sure, they had publicists and people talking for them around, but they felt more at ease knowing they were thousands of miles away from the network. Their fans all over the world were very supportive even though no confirmation of a relationship had been made, though it was fairly obvious to anyone with sight that they were a couple, so they didn’t worry about them.

The first day in Europe saw them in Cologne, Germany, where they had singings and press conferences scheduled in the coming days. As tired as they were, Kendall suggested to Logan that they take a walk around to get some fresh air after being in an airplane for so long. Logan agreed, saying it’d be nice to get out and go on a  _real_  date for a change. It had been too long since the hockey game and ice cream date. Being cooped up with their parents and families wasn’t exactly their idea of a great date, as much as they loved them and supported them. Kendall and Logan hadn’t come out to their families yet, but with the way their families had practically melded together, they figured their parents already knew.

“I’m willing to bet our moms are already planning our wedding,” Kendall said to Logan one day and Logan agreed. Their mothers met a few times while the two of them were away on a trip and they’d often wondered exactly what those two got up to. They even went so far as to travel to Vancouver together to pay their sons a visit. So to them, telling their families about their relationship wouldn’t be a big deal. They just had to figure out the right way to do it.

“Hey, I have an idea!” Kendall said to Logan as they walked hand in hand down the streets. “Let’s go see if our locks are still on that bridge!”

“Do you know how to get there?” Logan asked him with a laugh.

“Yeah, it’s right…somewhere, over there,” Kendall answered, pointing wildly in no particular direction.

Logan playfully shoved him with his elbow. “Come on, let’s get directions or a cab if it’s too far.”

They stepped inside a bakery, instantly savoring the welcoming warmth which greeted them from the cold exterior. Logan walked to the counter, taking in the sights of all the pastries lined up and ready to be picked. He asked the woman working the counter if she knew how to get to the bridge and she told him it was just a little over one and a half kilometers or so in the opposite direction from which they had been walking. Logan chuckled to himself and picked up two pastries and a coffee, thanking the worker and meeting Kendall by the door. Kendall waved a silent goodbye to her as a sign of appreciation.

“What’d she say?” Kendall asked as Logan handed him one of the pastries. “Thanks.”

“It’s about…,” Logan said, handing Kendall his coffee and pastry as he took the phone out of his hand and calculated kilometers into miles, “a mile away in the other direction.”

“We probably could have just checked Google, you know?”

“Probably,” Logan said as he retrieved his food from Kendall’s hands, “but I really wanted a coffee.”

Kendall groaned in annoyance at the fact that they’d have to walk so far back; they’d already walked a good half mile from their hotel, but this wasn’t the time for complaints. He wanted to remember the last time they’d gone to the bridge and stuck personalized locks on it. They’d all signed their names and the name of someone they loved. Kendall, of course, had added a small “L.H.” to the bottom of his lock in permanent marker. At the time, he hadn’t shown it to anyone. It was discreet but still significant in his eyes, and he decided that right now would be a good opportunity to show it to Logan.

They walked the entire way in comfortable silence, chewing on their baked treats and sharing a cup of coffee, which Kendall didn’t really like but Logan insisted he have some to ease his body from the cold of winter bearing down on them. Logan had thought it wasn’t worth walking so much just to see a bridge full of locks, but he thought that if Kendall insisted so much, it must have had some special meaning.

Once they reached the bridge, Kendall spent several minutes trying to locate their locks. It hadn’t been a year yet, but the sheer number of locks on the bridge made it hard to remember where he’d placed his.

“Aha!” he shouted as he finally pinpointed it. “Logan, come ‘ere.”

Logan followed close behind, bending down to meet Kendall’s line of sight.

“Look,” he said, lifting his lock and turning it upside down to uncover the small and slightly faded initials he’d written.

Logan squinted a little then finally caught sight of the small letters on the metal. His gaze met Kendall’s and they smiled softly at each other. Kendall swore he’d seen tears form in the brunet’s eyes, but he figured it must have just been from the wind hitting them seeing as Logan wasn’t much of a cryer. He was caught off guard by the force with which his boyfriend hugged him, but returned the sentiment shortly after and they stood hugging for a few minutes before separating. Logan still had a big, bright smile adorning his face, his dimples visibly dark and deep even in the dim overhead light. He wrapped his arms around Kendall’s neck and pulled him close for a kiss.

“I know we came here to forget about stuff and focus on our job but I would honestly not mind spending the rest of the trip just standing here with you.”

“Not to quote our own song or anything but it…feels right,” Kendall agreed.

Logan nodded, then sighed, pulling Kendall forward and pressing their foreheads together gently. “But as much as I would love that,” he said, “I’m just about done freezing my ass off, so we should head back to the hotel, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kendall said with a laugh as they walked back to the hotel with their arms around each other’s waists.


	23. Wilt

The Europe trip refreshed everyone’s minds, though their bodies took a beating due to the obvious jet lag.

The guys all parted ways upon arriving back in L.A., even Kendall and Logan, who had grown closer together during their trip and were nearly inseparable the entire time. The press was kind enough to not ask questions about them during their Q and A sessions, leaving them grateful that they wouldn’t have to lie their way through another press conference. They said their goodbyes for the day and headed to each other’s respective homes.

Kendall greeted his mom outside of the airport, kissing her on the cheek and hugging her tightly. His dad was already in the front seat, waiting for them to get in.

“So Europe was good, huh?” his mother asked him once he’d gotten in his seat.

“Yeah, good? It was great!”

“But you behaved yourself, right?”

“Yes, mom,” Kendall replied, rolling his eyes. He wasn’t upset that his mother still treated him like a child sometimes. After all, he  _was_  the youngest of his brothers, so he would always act like it bothered him but it really didn’t. He found comfort in the fact that his family was so close; others weren’t so lucky.

When Kendall opened the front door to his house, he found a bouquet of half-dead flowers sitting on the counter. “Mom?” he asked.

“Yes, honey?”

“Why are there wilted flowers on the counter?” His faced was in a state of visible confusion and he’d tilted his head sideways like a curious puppy. He flicked at the dry, drooping petals and watched as they fell onto the dark granite.

“Oh, they’re for you!” she replied, patting him on the back as she made her way next to him.

Kendall’s eyes widened as he realized that the flowers may have been from Logan, but he asked who they were from anyway, just to make sure his mom wouldn’t be suspicious. “Ahhh, that’s nice? Who are they from? A fan?”

“I don’t know,” his mother answered him. “It didn’t come with a card or anything. I called the flower shop but they refused to tell me who sent them cause it was ‘confidential’. Looks like you’ve got a secret admirer.”

“Or a stalker,” he said, laughing nervously. No, he figured, these  _had_  to be from Logan. No note, anonymity, and the fact that they were Logan’s favorite flowers (dahlias) was a dead giveaway. Luckily for him, his mom didn’t know him quite as well as Kendall did. “I’m gonna go put my stuff away. Love you,” he said, giving his mom a tight hug as he retreated to his bedroom.

Once inside, he closed the door and set his suitcase down on the floor, collapsing onto his bed with a sigh of relief and kicking off his shoes in the process. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed Logan’s icon to send him a text message.

_Did you send me flowers while we were gone? ;)_

A minute later, Logan responded.

_Maybe…….…come over later? I wanna give u somethin’._

Kendall raised his eyebrows cheekily to himself.

_Oh, do you?_

He could almost see Logan rolling his eyes as he replied.

_Not like that your a pervert._

Kendall laughed at Logan’s lack of grammatical correctness, but thought it was cute, despite being wrong. He made a mental note to give that boy some grammar lessons sometime soon.

_lol, okay. I’ll be there at 8? Gotta get some sleep! Love you._

_Love you too. :)_

Kendall fell asleep fast, no time for the thoughts going around in his head now that he was back home. Thoughts about telling his family that he and Logan were together,  about having to face the media here, and, worst of all, thoughts about going back to the network and hearing them berate him and Logan for what seemed the tenth time this year…and it was only February. Luckily, the guys weren’t scheduled to start production on their show’s third season until April, giving him plenty of time to mentally prepare for the heads of the network examining his and Logan’s every move. He fell asleep on those thoughts, pushing them out and letting them scatter and settle on the pillow below his head.

He heard the alarm go off a few hours later and sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes and adjusting his clothes, which he’d worn to bed, too tired to even remove his jacket. He grimaced as he realized he was sweating underneath the warmth of it and headed to take a shower. After getting ready for his “date” with Logan, he headed out the door. “Hangin’ out with Logan! See you guys later!” he called out as he closed the door behind him.

When he arrived at Logan’s, he noticed the brunet was standing just behind the front gate.

“Knock, knock,” he called out as he pantomimed a knocking motion on the black metal door.

“Hey!” Logan responded, opening the door with lightning fast speed and wrapping his arms around Kendall, squeezing him tight for a few seconds before realizing they were outside and letting go. “Whoops. Forgot we were outside,” he said. “Come on in.”

“Hi, Kendall,” he heard Logan’s mom calling out from the living room.

“Hi, Mrs. Henderson!” he shouted back with a wave and a smile.

Logan led Kendall to the kitchen, which was separated from the rest of the house by an old-fashioned swinging door. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small, white, folded card and handed it to him.

“Was this supposed to go on the flowers?” Kendall asked.

“Yup. Read it.”

“Dear, Kendall-“

“Shhh, not out loud,” Logan said and giggled.

“Oh, sorry.”

_Dear Kendall,_

_Even though we’re together right now, in Germany, I’m sending you these flowers as a token of my love. Is that a cheesy thing to say? Anyway, these flowers are my favorites just like your my favorite._

_I love you,_

_Logan_

“You spelled ‘you’re’ wrong,” Kendall said as he folded the card back up and held it in his hand.

“What? That’s it? ‘You spell you’re wrong’?”

“What? Oh. No. God, no. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you, too,” Kendall replied and pulled Logan in for a kiss, forgetting that they didn’t have much privacy at the moment.

Suddenly, Kendall felt something bump against him and he was pushed forward, taking Logan with him and pushing them into the counter.

“Oh, sorr…y,” Logan’s mom said as she caught the two still embracing and bent backward onto the counter. “Am I interrupting something here?”

“N-no. No, it’s okay,” Kendall said, straightening up and helping Logan’s spine recover from the force of the push into the counter.

“Y’sure?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Kendall replied, waving his hand around and dropping the card Logan had given him. It unfolded during the fall and landed in front of Logan’s mom. She bent down to pick it up, catching a glimpse of a few words. “Love you” particularly stood out to her and she eyed Kendall and Logan suspiciously. “Okay, well. I’ll just…let you boys get back to whatever it was you were doing,” she said, pushing her way out of the kitchen. Logan had placed his arms back around Kendall, then dropped them when his mom walked back in. “Oh, and try not to make a mess. I just cleaned the place up.” She blew a kiss at Logan and walked back out the door.

Kendall groaned as he threw his head back against the wall. “Logan, we need to tell them. Soon.”

“You think we’re ready? You think  _they’re_  ready?” he asked.

“Dude, I think they know already,” Kendall said, laughing.

Logan laughed quietly and nodded in agreement. “Okay, but how do we do it? Dinner? Cookout?”

“I’ve got a better idea.”


	24. Xerox

“So what’s the better idea, hmm?” Logan asked Kendall as he watched his face shift into what he liked to call his “idea face”.

“Well, I could tell you right now…” Kendall replied, “or you can wait and I’ll surprise you.”

“No, Kendall…don’t do anything crazy, okay? We’re already under the microscope, please try not to draw any more attention to us.”

Kendall threw his head back and laughed, causing Logan’s face to shift from worry to amusement. “Don’t worry. I won’t, okay? Trust me.”

“Mmkay, but if you do…” Logan said, shaking a finger at him.

“I  _won’t_ ,” Kendall promised again. “Kiss goodbye?”

Logan pulled him in for a quick and stealthy kiss, trying his best not to make any sort of sound that would give them away, but Kendall attempted to hold out for more. “Kendall…”

“Okay, sorry. Sorry. I’ll go start planning,” he said with a chuckle, then leaned in and kissed Logan on the cheek before saying goodbye to Mrs. Henderson and driving back home.

When he got home, he noticed a note had been left on the kitchen counter. His parents had gone out to dinner, leaving him with plenty of time to brainstorm his brilliant idea. It seemed somewhat silly, but he was throwing a party; a coming out party to be more precise. Of course, he’d make his own invitations so as not to stir up any suspicions from anyone who worked at the copy shops. He sat down at his computer and opened up his invitation-making template, replacing all of the default fonts with the craziest and most “party-like” ones he could find. He wasn’t an expert on design, but he thought his invitations looked pretty damn cool. After finishing his invitations, he saved the file, making sure to password protect it just in case someone got nosy. He shut his laptop and headed to the office supply store to pick up a pack of colorful copy paper. After all it  _was_  a party and he intended for everyone invited to have a good time and leave with some brand new information that he hoped they’d all keep quiet about.

He rushed in and out of the store, picking up a large pack of bright neon rainbow colored sheets. Kendall wasn’t sure what he’d need so many for, but he figured it could be recycled into some confetti or used for a project in the future.

Once he got home, he realized his parents had arrived before he did. He tried to come up with an explanation for the paper as he locked his car and walked up to the door. He attempted to keep as quiet as possible when he walked in but his mom still noticed him sneaking in.

“Whatcha got there?” she asked, motioning to the bag full of paper with her head.

“Oh, this?” he replied. “It’s uh…paper for…a thing that I’m working on.”

“What kind of thing?”

He winked at her and put his finger to his lip. “It’s a secret. Hey, can I use your copy machine?”

“Sure, but you gotta tell me what you’re doing with that all that paper.”

“Mom,” he whined, “I already told you. It’s a  _secret_. You’ll find out soon, I promise. I just need the copier, please.”

“Okay, okay,” she said, throwing her hands up in defeat.

“Thanks, you’re the best! Love ya!”

He headed toward his parents’ office and unwrapped the large package of paper, squinting at the brightness under the bright lights overhead. “At least it’ll get people’s attention,” he said to himself. He’d have to figure out this copy business himself because asking for help meant his parents would see the invitations and he wasn’t quite ready for them to see them just yet. First he needed to go over the details with Logan and make sure he was okay with it, which he now realized he should have done before buying all of this crazy bright paper. He reasoned with himself that a visual would probably help Logan agree to the party. After a few minutes, he got the hang of it, printing out 20 copies of his invitations plus a few extras just in case. It would be a somewhat small party with only their closest friends and families, the ones they trusted most to keep their relationship under wraps for a bit while they figured out a way to tell the general public. He threw the copies and the remainder of the paper into his canvas shopping bag, quietly heading to his bedroom which, luckily, was not in his parents’ line of sight.

Kendall plopped down onto his bed, finally removing the extra layers of clothing he’d been wearing since he got home from the store. He found his phone and sent Logan a text message telling him to meet him at his house the following afternoon and sealing it with a kiss smiley, then showered and headed straight to bed. Today had been a long day, but tomorrow would be even longer. He silently wished for an easy time convincing Logan to go along with the party.

“All right, so. Here’s what I was thinking,” Kendall told Logan as they sat at his kitchen counter alone. His parents had gone out to run errands for the day and wouldn’t get back until late, so he used the opportunity to have a “meeting” with Logan. He pushed a brightly colored sheet of paper under Logan’s nose, the fluorescence startling the brunet.

“You’re invited,” he read. “Come to Kendall and Logan’s special celebration! This Saturday at 7. Be there!”

“So what do you think?” Kendall asked eagerly with a bright smile on his face.

“A coming out party?” Logan answered, getting a nod in response from the blond. “Well, I do like parties. Plus it’s gonna be small, right? And only our most close, personal friends?”

“Absolutely. They’ll understand we can’t be truly out right now but I think they should all know…if they don’t already, that is.”

Logan chuckled and grabbed Kendall’s hand, holding it with both of his. “Okay. Let’s do it,” he said and placed a kiss on the back of his boyfriend’s hand. They spent the next couple of hours planning out foods and a playlist for the party, deciding on making organic lasagna and, this time, homemade tiramisu. Their music included a shuffle of favorite songs they shared, as well as songs that reminded them of each other, both good and bad. They decided on a guest list and finished it as soon as they heard the lock on the front door turn, shoving all their planning supplies into Kendall’s canvas bag and rushing to get two plates full of cold cake Logan had taken out of the refrigerator. They mushed up some of the cake and shoveled a forkful into their mouths just as the door opened.

“Hi, guys!” Kendall’s mom yelled out from the front door, and they both hopped off of their chairs to help with the groceries and shopping bags. Logan and Kendall greeted her with a kiss on each cheek, and Kendall did the same for his father. Logan opted to share a friendly hug instead and grabbed his jacket, which hung on the coat rack behind him.

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I really gotta go now. I’ll see you guys soon, I hope! Bye Kendall!” He blew the blond a silent kiss when his parents were turned away and Kendall waved back playfully. They had a lot to plan for the weekend and their invitations would be going out tomorrow. Instead of mailing them out, however, Kendall decided to drive to each friend’s house and place the bright paper in their mailboxes as he thought an electronic invitation would be far too risky.

The next day, their text messages came pouring in, every guest had responded in record time and Logan said it was probably because they knew what was coming.

“They’re all probably like ‘finally!’” he said with a laugh as Kendall struck out each guest’s name from the list they’d written on a piece of neon pink paper.

“That’s twenty!” Kendall said. “Plus my parents and yours and your sister.”

The day of the party, Kendall and Logan hurriedly made preparations for their celebration. Kendall prepared dinner and Logan stocked the fridge with drinks.

“Hey, leave room for the dessert,” Kendall reminded him.

After Logan finished stocking the fridge and Kendall finished the sauce for the lasagna, they both rushed to decorate the house, stringing lights from the walls and scattering balloons throughout the living room. Kendall purchased a pack of clear balloons and stuffed them full of homemade confetti he’d created by punching holes in the colored paper.

The guests arrived a bit after 7:30, “fashionably late” according to Logan. Kendall teased him by saying he’d know all about that stuff due to his party-animal nature. They spent the next few hours eating and making small talk with their guests before heading to the kitchen. They took deep breaths and held each other’s hands for several minutes before they silently nodded to each other, signaling that they were ready. Kendall reached into a cabinet and pulled out a crystal glass, then took a fork from the drawer. Logan walked close behind and watched Kendall as he clinked the glass with the fork, getting their guests attention.

“Attention, everyone!” Kendall shouted, then lowered his voice once the room quieted down. “Is everyone here?” A chorus of scattered yeahs filled the room.

“Okay, okay,” Logan added. “Thank you all for coming to our party. You’re all probably wondering what exactly it is we’re ‘celebrating’ and I’ll…let Kendall tell you all about it.” He laughed nervously as he shot a look at Kendall. The blond was usually better at explaining things than he was.

Kendall rolled his eyes at Logan, but squeezed his shoulder gently. “Well, guys. Uh, I know some of you have probably been thinking this for a while and some of you might already know,” at this he shot his and Logan’s mom a glance, “but Logan and I…are dating. Each other. We’re together. Like a couple…of gays.”

The room filled with quiet, but pleasant mutters and their guests made a beeline to shower them with hugs and words of support. As predicted, there were a few people who said “finally”, including James and Carlos, who really had no doubts that the two of them were together.

Kendall and Logan breathed sighs of relief and hugged each other, then gave each other a quick peck on the lips, eliciting a chorus of “aww”s from the crowd. They laughed, then continued to talk with their guests. After dessert, the crowd finally began to die down, leaving only their families in the house. They helped the two clean after the guests, Logan’s sister giving them both a strong hug and telling them she was proud of them. Logan decided to stay at Kendall’s for the night and they bid his family goodnight as they walked out the door, exchanging hugs and kisses like a proper family.

“Well that went as expected,” Kendall said as he threw an arm around Logan.

“Yup,” he replied. “Now let’s just hope that the next time we make this announcement it goes as well.”

“Don’t worry. I have every reason to believe it will,” Kendall replied. “But if it doesn’t, remember what we said earlier. We’re in it together and if they try to take us down, we’re gonna fight it.”

“Damn right we are.”

 


	25. Yes

Logan and Kendall slept in the same room that night, choosing not to get too intimate so as not to disturb Kendall’s family. Instead they lay side by side, playing with each other’s hair and talking softly about the future ahead of them.

“So when do you think we should come out to  _everyone_?” Logan asked as he twisted a lock of Kendall’s blond hair into a curl.

“When the time’s right,” Kendall replied and Logan scoffed, rolling his eyes as he expected a typically vague and philosophical answer. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just…I’d like to know if we can do it anytime soon or not.”

“That’s not up to us, Logie.”

“Logie. You haven’t called me that in a while.”

Kendall kissed the tip of Logan’s nose, causing the brunet to scrunch his face at the feeling of lips against it. “Well, it’s cause we had that whole thing where we were confused and all of that stuff, but let’s not talk about that!”

“Mmmkay, then what should we talk about?” Logan asked, leaning up on one elbow so he could get a better view of Kendall’s face.

Kendall sat up for a few seconds, scratching his chin in a thoughtful way, then suddenly whipped around and pinned Logan underneath him. “Let’s not talk,” he said.

“Kendall,” Logan said between kisses. “I thought. We weren’t gonna.”

“Then we’ll just have to be really quiet, huh?” Kendall laughed and leaned down to kiss Logan further.

The next morning, Kendall woke up to find Logan wrapped around him; legs and arms draped around his body. He smiled and laughed quietly before placing a small kiss on his forehead.

“Pssst,” he whispered. “Logaaaaan. Wake up. There’s breakfast.”

As if on cue, Logan opened his eyes and yawned causing Kendall to break into a fit of his typical boisterous laughter. He playfully slapped Kendall on the arm and unwrapped himself off of the blond and his bed sheets, reaching for his clothes which, during the course of the night, had become scattered around the bed and on the floor.

“Hey, that’s my shirt!” Kendall called out as Logan slipped on the blue t-shirt he had been wearing the night before.

“So?”

“So maybe I wanna wear it.”

Logan shook his head. “Nah.”

Kendall hopped off of the bed and ran to tackle Logan against his dresser, tugging at his shirt in an attempt to remove it.

“Kendall, it’s too early for this, isn’t it?” Logan joked and the blond dropped his hands, slowly gliding them down Logan’s sides.

“It’s never too early,” he replied with a grin and kissed Logan deeply, eliciting a moan from the brunet.

“We should go shower, huh?”

“You read my mind.”

After showering and getting rid of their early morning frustrations, they headed toward the kitchen, where Kendall’s mom and dad had prepared a breakfast feast. The table was covered from end to end with plates full of eggs, sausage, bacon, pancakes and waffles, a bowl of fresh fruit, and a jug of fresh squeezed orange juice.

“Wow,” Kendall exclaimed as he sat down at the table, “what’s with all this food?”

“Consider this your celebratory breakfast,” his dad replied.

“Aww, you guys are too sweet,” Logan said.

“Well, now that you’re officially part of the family we thought it’d be nice to welcome you properly.”

“By fattening me up?” Logan replied jokingly.

They chatted about their relationship, leaving out the ugly details from the past two months and hiding their meeting with the network executives just a few weeks prior.

“Do you boys plan on telling anyone outside of the party?” Kendall’s mom asked, eating the strawberry slice at the end of her fork.

“We were kinda waiting for the right time,” Logan said, expecting Kendall’s parents to ask for an explanation. He was glad when no follow-up came from either of them and turned to Kendall who gently squeezed his shoulder, proud of his understanding of the previous night’s conversation.

“Good. That’s good,” Kendall’s dad replied. “You guys just take your time and when you’re ready, we’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks, dad,” Kendall replied with a smile and cut a slice from his stack of pancakes. They finished breakfast in comfortable silence and Kendall and Logan helped clean up the table afterward, though his parents insisted that Logan sit it out seeing as he was a guest. Logan refused and helped them clean anyway, saying that it was the “family” thing to do.

A few weeks later, Kendall called Logan on his way to the grocery store and asked him to come over to his house later that evening. He was on his way to pick up ingredients for a dinner he’d planned for the two of them that night. His parents agreed to let them have the house for the night, as they’d be going on a two-night stay at a retreat to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Kendall found the concept of Valentine’s Day cute, but he never bought into the mushy cards and flowers and chocolates that came with it. Instead, he opted to cook Logan a nice dinner like he’d done a few months back, knowing this time he’d have no previous engagements to stop them from spending a quiet couple of days together. Instead of celebrating on the day, he’d had to do it earlier. They were about to start their tour and they’d find themselves in Las Vegas on Valentine’s Day so he decided to celebrate a few days earlier. That wasn’t to say Kendall and Logan wouldn’t find a way to share the actual day together, but a quiet home cooked meal was more private and intimate than spending all day in a casino.

Kendall walked the aisles and picked up ingredients for a chicken casserole he’d found on the grocery chain’s website, paying for them and heading to his car in the parking lot. On the way out, he stopped at a drug store to find a silly valentine’s card to give to Logan as a gag gift. He picked up one that had a cute bear holding a big, pink heart on the front. The bear was soft and covered in flocking and Kendall laughed as he touched it. He sighed after composing himself from the fit of giggles the cheesy card had induced and picked up a bag of conversation hearts next to the register.

Logan arrived at his house a few hours later and they both watched TV as their dinner cooked. After dinner, they sat at the kitchen counter, quietly taking in each other’s presence. Kendall suddenly hopped off his stool.

“I have a present for you!” he said.

“Aww, Kendall you didn’t have to get me anything,” Logan replied.

“No but I wanted to. Hang on. I’ll be right back,” Kendall said as he ran toward his bedroom in a fit of mischievous laughter. He returned a few minutes later with a garish pink bag covered in white hearts and red lipstick marks.

Logan shook his head and laughed at the gift, shooting Kendall a look. Kendall placed the bag in front of him and Logan reached in.

“Read the card first!” Kendall said excitedly.

“Okay, okay,” Logan said as he swatted at Kendall. “Down, boy!” He picked up the predictably red envelope and pulled out the card, chuckling when he noticed the design on the front. He ran his fingers over the bear’s fuzzy texture and shook his head. He opened the card and read Kendall’s barely legible message.

_Logan,_

_This card is really cheesy and stupid but it put a big smile on my face, so it reminded me of you. Only you’re not stupid. But you are kinda cheesy. I hope we can make this a tradition for a long, long time._

_Happy Valentine’s Day (kinda)!_

_Your thoughtful boyfriend,_

_Kendall_

Logan looked down and smiled at the card, then turned to Kendall and wrapped him up in a tight hug, sighing into his shoulder. “I would  _love_  to make this a tradition,” he said, then he kissed Kendall softly.

“Awesome! Now, share your candy!” Kendall replied enthusiastically and Logan reached into the bag for the candy hearts Kendall had placed inside. “I got you these other ones cause I know you hate the weird, chalky ones.”

“Good,” Logan said as he nodded and ripped the bag open, pouring a pile of hearts in between himself and Kendall so they could share.

Kendall pulled a few hearts from the pile and arranged them into a pile of his own, picking out the flavors he didn’t care for, a significant amount of orange piling up in the reject pile. Logan reached over and took them for his own, winking as popped three into his mouth at once. Logan watched as Kendall concentrated on the messages on his hearts, following his lead and reading his before eating them.

Kendall pushed a light pink heart toward Logan.

_Text me_

Logan chuckled as he read it, pushing a purple heart toward Kendall

_Maybe_

Kendall feigned outrage at the response and shoved a green heart in Logan’s direction.

_Hug me_

Logan giggled as he sent a blue heart Kendall’s way.

_Maybe_

“Hey!” Kendall said and playfully punched him in the arm before grabbing another heart and placing it in front of the brunet.

_Kiss me_

Surveying his supply of hearts, Logan chose another blue heart and held it up for Kendall to read.

_Maybe_

“Wow, playing hard to get, are you?” Kendall asked with a grin.

“Maybe,” Logan replied and Kendall laughed, shoving the rest of the hearts into his mouth and puckering it as he tasted the tartness of the candies. “So what if they had one that said ‘marry me’?” he asked, mouth full of pastel candy. “What heart would you use for that?”

Logan looked at Kendall lovingly for a few seconds before looking down at the two hearts he had left. He picked up a green one and placed it down in front of Kendall.

_Yes_


	26. Zone

Kendall picked up the green candy heart Logan had placed in front of him, touching it gently as if it contained some kind of magic that would make the brunet change his mind if it were to be crushed.

“What?” Logan asked as he watched Kendall study the heart for a full minute, rotating it between his thumb and forefinger and smiling as the “yes” stamped into it rolled back and forth.

“You’d honestly say yes?” Kendall replied, still watching the heart. “I mean if I asked you honestly? You’d say yes?”

“Yeah,” Logan answered him without skipping a beat. “I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it, obviously, and I don’t think you have been, either but I’d do it. I know we’re way too busy to be thinking about getting married anytime soon, though.”

“Well, yeah. That and we’ve only been dating for what? A month?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Logan said. “I’ve known of people who got married like a week after they met and are still together so it’s not a matter of time. Cause technically we’ve only been dating for a month but you know we’ve been crazy about each other for years, so. I think it’s about how much we wanna be together. And honestly right now? I really,  _really_  wanna be with you. For…I don’t know. For a long time.”

“How long?”

“As long as we’ve got.”

Kendall finally put the heart down onto the kitchen counter and rested his head on his hand, watching Logan silently and smiling at him. Logan didn’t feel awkwardness from this since he was used to Kendall looking at him with silent adoration almost every day. It was a small gesture, but he loved it. He wasn’t a big romantic by nature, choosing to date frequently instead of being in relationships, but Kendall changed every notion he had about love and the way it made him feel. There were the good, happy feelings his previous, short relationships had given him and then there was this. This new feeling and new idea that had never crossed his mind and never would have had Kendall not been so insistent on getting him to see another side of it. He’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t know what love felt like because if he thought he’d felt it before, this was ten times more intense than any other notion of love he’d ever experienced.

“I know I say it a lot but I love you,” Logan said, turning to face Kendall. “A lot. More than I could even imagine I ever would. You know when we first met I thought we’d be pretty good friends cause you obviously had good taste in music? I just didn’t think we’d  _ever_  get this far.”

“Well, here we are,” Kendall replied. “There’s no use thinking about the past, I think. Let’s just enjoy what we’ve got going on here right now.” He stood up from his stool and walked up to Logan, still sitting on his. He wrapped his arms around him and Logan did the same. They spent their night together wrapped around each other until Logan had to go and start packing for the start of their tour.

A few days later, the tour started and they spent the next month on a bus together, away from James, Carlos, and the rest of the band. They hadn’t intended on taking advantage of the fact that they got their own bus, but with their recent relationship status, it was hard not to. They were careful not to disturb the driver but some nights it was difficult to be quiet. Kendall admitted that he missed sharing a bus with their other two best friends, so on shorter trips they’d let Carlos and James (along with their dogs) ride with them.

One night they stayed up talking, James and Carlos teasing Kendall and Logan about being together despite knowing about it for almost two months.

“So when are you guys gonna come out to everyone else?” Carlos asked as the four of them sat together eating meals they had to get on the go to make sure they’d arrive at the next city on time.

“That’s a good question, dude,” Kendall answered with a mouthful of french fries, causing Logan to lightly slap him on the arm for not minding his manners. “What? It’s not like we’re in a restaurant.”

“It’s still gross,” Logan replied with a grimace on his face.

Kendall rolled his eyes and finished chewing the fries. “Anyway,” he said after swallowing, “we don’t know. Could be years from now. Could be tomorrow. Who knows? We’re just gonna go with our gut.”

“Why not?” James asked.

“Why not what?” Logan replied, visibly confused.

“Why not tomorrow?”

“Like, tell everyone tomorrow? During the show?” Kendall asked.

“Yeah,” James said. “We could do like a big announcement thing at the end of the show or we could just throw something subtle out there. You never know what could work.”

“Seems kinda risky, though, doesn’t it?” Carlos added, worried about the repercussions that could come from such a bold last-minute decision. “I mean we had a meeting with the network and they weren’t too thrilled, remember? As far as they’re concerned, the shows are no fly zones for them to make any announcements.”

“So what? They’ve invested way too much money in us and the show to stop supporting us. They can threaten you guys but we’ve got your back and if they even so much as  _try_  to do anything to punish you, Carlos and I are gonna start kicking ass. Right, Carlos?”

“Hell yeah!” Carlos shouted enthusiastically after a few seconds of contemplation.

Kendall and Logan looked at each for a while, both deep in thought and seemingly speaking telepathically.

“We’ll think about it,” Kendall said after a few minutes of silence.

The buses stopped at a rest area and James and Carlos hopped off, calling for their dogs to join them.

“Think about it, guys,” James said. “I mean you don’t  _have_  to if you’re not ready but we’ll be here you if you want to, okay?”

“We love you guys!” Carlos said from the bottom of the bus steps.

Kendall and Logan smiled at their best friends and then at each other. If they did go through with this, it’d be a last minute decision as they weren’t very good at mulling things over for a long while instead of going with their first instinct.

The following night, Kendall and Logan spoke extra quietly to each other during sound check so no one in the audience could hear them. They weren’t thinking about James’ and Carlos’ proposition from the night before. Instead, they talked about other things, including the possibility of marriage, though they’d decided to put that off until later. Kendall played a few of their favorite songs on the acoustic guitar and Logan sang along for the few fans sitting in the first rows to hear. They noticed the glances a few of them shot at each other as if they knew what was going on and Kendall and Logan suspected they did, judging by the amount of times the fans would raise their eyebrows and giggle to each other whenever they’d so much as make eye contact. The two couldn’t help but smile at them and at each other, and they viewed it as a silent confirmation between them and the small group.

As the show progressed, Kendall and Logan didn’t think too much about coming out that night, and neither James nor Carlos pressed the idea or even brought it up. During a wardrobe change between songs, Kendall pulled Logan aside.

“Let’s do it,” he said as he slipped on a different shirt.

“What?” Logan asked. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m feeling good about this!” Kendall said as he felt the rush of adrenaline from the concert taking effect.

“When? Where? What do we do?” Logan said, perplexed and flustered by the sudden burst of confidence his boyfriend had shown.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how and when but tonight. In front of all of these people. I want them all to know how much I love you and how much you love me and I don’t even care about the big guys calling the shots anymore. Just trust me.”

“I trust you,” Logan responded. “But what if it goes wrong? What if we lose a ton of fans and a ton of support? What then?”

“Logan,” Kendall said, grabbing the brunet by both shoulders, “I don’t care. I’m not worried about tomorrow, but if it turns out that everyone around us leaves and we’re the last two people left in each other’s lives, then I’ll be fucking glad that I chose you to be with. I love you so damn much. I just-” He cupped Logan’s face with his hands and kissed him hard, causing him to fall back and lose his balance. He grabbed onto an equipment cart that was in the way to steady himself, then pushed back against Kendall and kissed him in return.

“Come on, guys!” James called out and they ran back to the stage, Logan still confused and Kendall still buzzing with elation.

They performed the rest of the songs uninterrupted and Logan began to wonder if Kendall had forgotten all about his plan to show the fans and, consequently, the world that they were together. After the group came out for their encore song and finished, they said their goodbyes to the crowd and Kendall turned to Logan. In a flash, Kendall grabbed his hand and held it for several seconds, turning their backs to leave the stage and hearing the faint sound of squeals and giggles and “aww”s echoing through the venue. They stopped walking for a second and Logan leapt up to catch Kendall in a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of the blond’s neck and smiling brightly when the crowd erupted in cheers and applause at the sight. Kendall picked up the microphone and asked for the sound to be turned back on.

“We love you guys!” he shouted and Logan seconded the statement before they walked off the stage, arms around each other and sneaking a quick glance behind their shoulders at the people in the audience, who were still buzzing with excitement. For one night they left their worries behind them, choosing to ignore the little “what if”s that floated around in the air before the concert, trusting their fans and their friends to support them no matter what. And judging by the brief but ecstatic reception they’d just gotten, things were going to turn out just fine.


End file.
